in a former life

I don't believe in much. I don't not believe in much. I'm a true agnostic. God could exist or not; ghosts could exist or not; aliens could exist or not, and so on. Who knows? Certainly not me. I tend to take the middle road on unknown things-- if God does exist, he/she/it is probably not like humans imagine it-- maybe it's more of a life force or more like "fate" or "destiny." Ghosts are probably just strong electric remnants left behind, as we are all electricity, and aliens may exist in some form somewhere but probably aren't smart enough to get to us, yet.

I've never been able to commit to beliefs like these. Even there, stating what I think is true, I say "probably" and "maybe" because I honestly don't know. I can't make myself stick to one thing or another. 

Don't get me wrong-- I do hold beliefs, and strong ones. I'm a very opinionated person. But my opinions are based on facts and data and are held about things which I can touch and see. Like I believe all people, gay or straight, should have the option to marry. I believe women should be equally paid. I believe that if you do good things, good things happen to you, but this has more to do with your outlook on life and reaction to events than it does some mystical karma-like force.

I have always liked, however, the idea of reincarnation. I don't believe in it, not totally, I just like the idea of it, that maybe I was once a famous Duchess or an Egyptian slave or a struggling frontier woman. That although I don't carry specific memories from those lives, the lessons I learned, mistakes I made, and loves I had in all those lives have combined to make me who I am in this life. That maybe the less evolved among us just haven't had as many lives as I've had. Maybe I'm an old soul.

I think in a former life I must have played the violin. Any violin music, from a Coldplay song to a Itzhak Perlman recording to a Vivaldi composition, will make me cry. It brings up an eerie feeling in me, a longing for something lost. I don't know any reason why this would happen-- I've never played a violin, never knew anyone who did either, and I'm not attracted to other classical instruments in the same way. But that yearning that I feel deep in my chest is as real as me and the music playing.

I must have lived in India at some point too. I feel drawn to the culture-- the vivid colors they wear and with which they surround themselves, their dynamic religion and art forms, their spirited dispositions, their language, their dancing, their food. And no, this is not because I liked Slumdog Millionaire. I've felt this way for a long time, long before Hollywood became obsessed with Bollywood. I want to be one of them, live among them... I almost said again.

I feel complex, like there's more to me than even I know. Perhaps it's arrogant of me to think that. Maybe there's nothing special about me. I'm certainly not doing anything sensational with it, working at my little firm, living my little life with my husband and animals. But I don't want to be sensational, I never have. I want to understand my life from all points and me from all angles. I just want to be.