There is way too much going on in my head lately. I feel like a jekyll/hyde creature, happy one minute and raging the next, peaceful and quiet and then suddenly crying in the kitchen floor.
Work has been stressful. We're at such a make-it-or-break-it point. Payroll has just barely eked through the bank account the last couple months, and probably wouldn't have if a couple of the managers (me included) hadn't held their paychecks until a few things came in. We need more sales, and the salespeople are trying so hard, but for some reason it's just not coming in as quickly as we want. We have a big deal on the horizon, so close yet so far out of reach. We've cut everything we can cut, even our staff, so that we can survive. I feel like we've been in survival for three years, and I'm ready to thrive instead. We're smarter now, and if we could start over we'd be in a better position than we are now, but you can't retroactively apply the lessons you learn from your mistakes. We need just one more big break.
Meanwhile, my family life, other than my husband, has taken an odd turn. My parents finally bought a house here. My husband and I were overjoyed that they would no longer be staying with us every other weekend when they came to town. But then my good-for-nothing manipulative older brother lost his job and my dad told him to come live in their house rent free. After living there a couple weeks, he then told my parents the house (a two bedroom, one bath) was too small for them to stay there too. So my parents are staying with us again. What can I do, though? I can't be a bitch and say no, can I? It's annoying and frustrating that I can see what he's doing, but for some reason my dad in particular is blind to it.
All this political nonsense has my brain reeling too. I don't know whether to pay attention, get angry, organize, protest, and rage rage rage, or turn it all off and just try to live my life and vote how I should when I can. When I was in college, I was the former. I was angry all the time and the tiniest injustices would cause me to go into a tailspin. I felt like a madwoman sometimes, but I was single and had madwomen friends, so it felt like it was what I was supposed to do. When I met my husband, I slowly but surely settled down. Different things became important. I found myself feeling actually contented with my life, and I stopped paying attention to all the little irritants in the world and just lived my life.
Those little irritants now seem to have grown exponentially, are everywhere, and are constantly bombarding me. It started this past fall when my state tried to pass an enormously outrageous anti-woman law. It ultimately failed, but it got me paying attention again, and now I see this bullshit everywhere. Calling people sluts for taking birth control, making laws saying it's ok for doctors to lie to pregnant women, dictating that girls who want an abortion can't cross state lines without a parent even if that parent is absent or abusive, forcing women to undergo painful and unnecessary medical procedures, defunding important health programs for women, reversing anti-discriminatory laws that were already on the books and doing good for women... it's just too much.
None of it affects me, though, in the sense that I could probably live my life and never be adversely affected by any of the above. But I feel a compulsion to speak out about it and worry about it because it affects women in general, and I've always felt a kinship to women. I was born a feminist at my core. All I want is to be treated fairly and equally and not have lady parts become fodder for overzealous conservative politicians. We just want to be left alone in peace.
It's all making me crazy. Last night, after reading a story about how Arizona has proposed a law that would allow employers to fire women for taking birth control, I lost it. I ended up in the dark kitchen sobbing in front of the sink. I don't really know what cracked, but I have felt so much lately like some kind of crazy person and a second-class citizen. I know work will be fine, that my parents problems aren't my problems and that having them stay with me isn't the worst thing ever, and that these new proposed laws are probably just the death throes of a party who has completely lost touch with the normal, average American, but it just feels like too much to take in, and I'm struggling with which me I want to be in response: raging? or quiet?
This morning I'm going with quiet. I want to stay informed, but I'm not going to spend an hour every day reading the news like I was. I'm going to pay attention to work details and see if I can change some things here for the better. I'm going to skip the protest march coming up in a couple weeks-- no one will notice me, there or not, but I know for my own sanity I need to back off. I'm going to give my parents some grace and put some positive thought toward my brother figuring it out and moving on.
So I'm going to do things that make me happy. I listened to loud, happy music on the way to work instead of the news. I'm going to take Friday afternoon off and go sit in the sun with a cocktail. This weekend I will plant some flowers on my back deck and get some bird seed to attract that little bluebird I've seen flitting around. These things make me happy, these things make me grateful to be here, to be alive, so these are the things that are going to fill my life right now.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
I had a beautiful, relaxing weekend. I needed it. Friday night I went to a college baseball game (we are season ticket holders), and though it was cold, as long as I was wrapped up in my coat I was fine. It was nice to sit and chat with friends about really unimportant things. Saturday I ran errands and did chores around the house, then had a quiet night at home with my husband, tuna hibachi take out, and a movie. Sunday was beautiful, so we went again to the ballpark, sat in the glorious sun, and drank a couple beers before heading home to bed before 9 p.m.
Today I've been fighting a bit of a migraine, probably brought on by the changing seasons. I feel like my right eyebrow is drooping. I recognize this face in the mirror, not because it's mine, but because it's my mother's, looking out at me like somehow no time has passed and I'm still a child, tiptoeing around her bedroom door, trying my best not to disturb her sleep. Her eyebrow used to droop, too, when she had a migraine, and the pained look on my face reminds me so much of what I saw in hers.
They have moved my grandmother to my hometown, in preparation of their own move here this summer, and I am ashamed that I have not been to visit her since her move. She doesn't know it, of course-- she doesn't know anything about the current time and space. But I know it. Somehow that alone hasn't compelled me to go see her, that guilt, because seeing her causes pain of its own that is most of the time worse than the guilt. Her face doesn't remind me of anything anymore; it's so changed simply by the look of knowing that's gone from her eyes. But I will go see her today, after work.
Today I've been fighting a bit of a migraine, probably brought on by the changing seasons. I feel like my right eyebrow is drooping. I recognize this face in the mirror, not because it's mine, but because it's my mother's, looking out at me like somehow no time has passed and I'm still a child, tiptoeing around her bedroom door, trying my best not to disturb her sleep. Her eyebrow used to droop, too, when she had a migraine, and the pained look on my face reminds me so much of what I saw in hers.
They have moved my grandmother to my hometown, in preparation of their own move here this summer, and I am ashamed that I have not been to visit her since her move. She doesn't know it, of course-- she doesn't know anything about the current time and space. But I know it. Somehow that alone hasn't compelled me to go see her, that guilt, because seeing her causes pain of its own that is most of the time worse than the guilt. Her face doesn't remind me of anything anymore; it's so changed simply by the look of knowing that's gone from her eyes. But I will go see her today, after work.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
once again...
It's probably a good thing my boss works from his home and not from our main corporate office. Today would have been his last on earth otherwise. I have worked for him for three and a half years now, and when I say he's the best boss I've ever had, I mean it. (But I haven't had great bosses either... one called me stupid to my face, one was complacent with the fact that her business was losing money since it was just "fun" to her, and another was so micromanaging that she couldn't keep employees longer than three months at a time before they ran away screaming.)
My current boss has problems of his own. He is a shiny-ball-chaser, meaning whatever captures his interest most at any given time is #1 priority. Tomorrow he may not care at all, there's no way to tell. He can't be anywhere on time, ever, and he can't finish anything on time, ever. He never finishes a project, a byproduct of the shiny-ball syndrome and the perpetually late problem both. He cancels and moves meetings for no good reason all the time, regardless of the strain it puts on me, who controls his calendar, or anyone else involved. Working with him, you are living in his world, and it's a wild, crazy ride.
He's also full of really great ideas, he's a lot of fun to be around, he cares so much about people, almost to a fault, and he would never do anything intentional to hurt me or anyone else. He's always giving positive feedback and wants everyone here to grow, learn, and succeed.
BUT. I have been begging and pleading for him to lead an internal training session (or two or three) for months to try to get some new team members up to speed on his area of knowledge. It's not something I can do myself, I'm a different department. He finally agreed last week so I set it up for today. Everyone was SO excited. We were going to do it after hours so they could all really pay attention, we had popcorn ready, people told their families not to expect them, etc.
An hour before the start time, he canceled it saying he had lost his voice.
It's ALWAYS something. Always. Something else always comes up. Maybe he lost his voice, maybe, but with his history of canceling everything I don't even care the reason anymore. The mood in the office was immediately brought down when I announced that we had to reschedule, but of course he didn't see it. I can't count on him to finish anything, and there are days I want to get up and walk out because I'm so frustrated by it.
There have been a few times I've tried to go into this with him, but seeing his face get all sad and mopey when he realizes he's made me mad is always enough for me to lay off a bit. Plus he is still my boss so I don't feel like I can totally ream him out with no consequences. I can't change him though. It's something I'm going to have to continue to live with, I suppose. Today was just particularly maddening.
My current boss has problems of his own. He is a shiny-ball-chaser, meaning whatever captures his interest most at any given time is #1 priority. Tomorrow he may not care at all, there's no way to tell. He can't be anywhere on time, ever, and he can't finish anything on time, ever. He never finishes a project, a byproduct of the shiny-ball syndrome and the perpetually late problem both. He cancels and moves meetings for no good reason all the time, regardless of the strain it puts on me, who controls his calendar, or anyone else involved. Working with him, you are living in his world, and it's a wild, crazy ride.
He's also full of really great ideas, he's a lot of fun to be around, he cares so much about people, almost to a fault, and he would never do anything intentional to hurt me or anyone else. He's always giving positive feedback and wants everyone here to grow, learn, and succeed.
BUT. I have been begging and pleading for him to lead an internal training session (or two or three) for months to try to get some new team members up to speed on his area of knowledge. It's not something I can do myself, I'm a different department. He finally agreed last week so I set it up for today. Everyone was SO excited. We were going to do it after hours so they could all really pay attention, we had popcorn ready, people told their families not to expect them, etc.
An hour before the start time, he canceled it saying he had lost his voice.
It's ALWAYS something. Always. Something else always comes up. Maybe he lost his voice, maybe, but with his history of canceling everything I don't even care the reason anymore. The mood in the office was immediately brought down when I announced that we had to reschedule, but of course he didn't see it. I can't count on him to finish anything, and there are days I want to get up and walk out because I'm so frustrated by it.
There have been a few times I've tried to go into this with him, but seeing his face get all sad and mopey when he realizes he's made me mad is always enough for me to lay off a bit. Plus he is still my boss so I don't feel like I can totally ream him out with no consequences. I can't change him though. It's something I'm going to have to continue to live with, I suppose. Today was just particularly maddening.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)