on my mind

My brain won't stop today. Here's what's racing through:

1) How old do you have to be to not have acne anymore? Who created and perpetrated the lie that it's only for teenagers? Surely 28 is old enough to have "adult" skin? I have to go to a baby shower tomorrow looking like I'm not even old enough to have friends who can have kids.

2) I need another vacation, but I just got back from one. Here's a picture I took. I want to live in this picture. It's now my desktop background, so it's too bad I keep having work piled on top of it... excel is so ugly in comparison.

the view from the edge of Charleston, SC

3) I want Chinese food for dinner, but I want a buffet, but I don't want to go sit down with people to eat it. Do they do to-go buffets?

4) I feel like a terrible person when I get annoyed that my parents are coming up, once again, this weekend to stay. They stay in our guest room, fyi. But they raised me, the least I can do is put them up a few nights a month, right? All I want to do is lay on the couch and wallow (see #1), not entertain or even be looked at.

5) Most of the annoyance this time comes from the fact that they want me to help them, at 7 a.m., with a garage sale at their storage unit here. Ugh. I'm a good daughter, I'm a good daughter...

6) Some days I feel trapped, but not my by husband or my animals, but mostly by the "conventions" of life like houses and jobs. I want to roam around, barefoot and wild, like buying an RV and driving driving driving. But I like showers and luxuries and home too. So it doesn't last long.

7) There are times I feel like I'm walking a dream, that I'll wake up and get back to my normal life, which has to be much more fatastical than this, where I'm a different person, one not trapped by my insecurities or failings or ineptitudes. Because why would creatures such as humans, who are given the ability to do such wonderful and amazing things like think and write and make music be destined to live such boring and sad existances? Why do only 1 in 10 of us actually do something with ourselves with the short time we're given? Why do the rest of us wallow in anonymity and medocrity and self-pity and patheticness?

8) I need a coke.

9) Boone is a great dog with a great personality, and I love him. But I will never love him the way I love Bub. Why is that? Maybe it just takes time. Scares me even more about having children. As my husband would say, "reason #1,490,583 not to have kids."

10) I think if I were to ever sing karoke, which would probably only happen in the world from #7, if even there, I would sing Always on my Mind. I particulaly like Willie Nelson's version because his voice sounds like a dad singing to a daughter and for some reason that gets me. Why this song? Because it's a beautiful song, but also because there are no huge notes to fail miserably when you try to hit and no long periods of time with no singing where everyone is watching you expecting you to dance or do something to fill the void between words flashing up on the screen for you to sing. And people stop and listen to it whenever it comes on. I don't think I've ever met anyone who could listen to this song without feeling something, without stopping and thinking about someone you weren't good to, someone you took for granted, someone you miss. Try it.

dog whisperer I am not

dom·i·nant [dom-uh-nuhnt]
–adjective
1. ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence: dominant in the chain of command.
2. occupying or being in a commanding or elevated position.

al·pha [al-fuh]
–adjective
a. (esp. of animals) having the highest rank of its sex in a dominance hierarchy: the alpha female.
b. being the most prominent, talented, or aggressive person in a group

Neither of these adjectives describe me at home. Now, at work-- that's a different story. As I've mentioned recently, I am two different people: one, at work, is self-assured, authoritative, and unafraid. The other, at home, is meek, still, and quiet. I could be neither one without the other-- one is my relief from the other.

I will fully recognize that I let Bub run my house too much. He's small and doesn't ask for much, so to let him lead on walks or beg for food or jump on the couch without asking really didn't affect my life that much in any negative way. Throw this big, lumbering, clumsy, teenage puppy into the mix, though, and we've got a problem. And I think he's big now... no telling the mess he'll be able to make when he's full grown if I don't nip this in the bud right now. By the way, we've named him Boone.

I've been researching puppy training. I've always watched the dog whisperer and agree with his reinforcement and calm-assertive techniques. The problem isn't the dog; it's me. I feel myself getting frustrated, pent-up anger boiling inside my chest, yelling instead of calmly and directly giving instructions. I wouldn't yell or get angry at work, so I don't know where that comes from at home. I guess it's because I am the other person at home, the quiet one who expects her world at home to be quiet as well, so when anything disturbs that it upsets me.

But I'm working on it, and we're getting there. It's a learning experience for both of us. I knew better than to get a puppy... but as puppies go, he's smart, well-meaning, quite calm actually, and can entertain himself for the most part. I've begun getting up at 7 a.m. to walk him before work, and I go home at lunch as well. At night we walk again, but anything beyond 15 minutes outside is too much. It's 104 here today. Fetch will come later this month, when the sun decides to stop trying to fry us like eggs.

He walks on a leash perfectly, I'll give him that. He occasionally gets excited and tries to pull, but one Cesar-style quick tug on the leash and he's back in line beside me. He can also sit on command about 90% of the time. The other 10% comes from him being a puppy with an attention span of about 3 seconds. He knows what to do, he's just not always listening.

We're learning down-- that's an easy one. Stay is the big problem. Again, with such a short attention span, to get him to pay attention to the fact that he should remain on his hindquarters for longer than it takes for me to step away is quite a feat. I need him to learn stay, though, because he bolts in and out of doors so quickly I know he's going to take me and Bub down with him eventually-- it's only a matter of time. I make him sit every time he wants something, whether it's food, a toy, to go out, or even a pat on the head. He's working for me. He resists my commands much more often than my husband's; I've decided it has to do with the tone of his voice, so now I boom out in a deep timber when I say SIT. It seems to also help if I over-enunciate the T, with a little spit at the end. Can you tell I'm over-analyzing?

I know what will help me the most will be to see continued progress with him and to gain confidence from that progress. What he needs from me most is for me to be a confident leader, like the people at work have, and not the quiet girl my husband knows best. I have to train myself first.

Boone and Bub, on their first day together. Bub has claimed Boone's new bed, and Boone is trying desperately to get Bub to play with him.