I met a counselor yesterday. She was nice, and I think I'll continue to see her. Out of all the people I spoke to, she seems the most down to earth. She only has her Masters so she's not a doctor, but she's got several certifications and such, and she's a good listener, so whatever. I really just need someone to talk to about all this crap in my life, not a pill or a medical diagnosis.
I used to be a good writer. Lately my head is too full of other things, and I can't seem to get the words out of my brain in the proper format. It doesn't help that I've been fighting migraines too. The weather changing is doing a number on me.
I just don't feel like I have anything interesting to say. I used to think of things, read articles, contemplate issues other than work situations, come up with colorful commentary and quirky responses and weird thoughts. Now I just feel tired and drained. Hopefully with the help of my counselor and some stress relieving techniques, my brain will be back on its feet soon.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
the search
I've been down a lot lately. I go through cycles like this. Clinical depression runs in my family (just ask my dad) and while I've never been diagnosed as having such, I do go through bouts of feeling low for no real reason.
Work has been stressing me out. I can't hardly think about it without getting anxious. We're not making payroll anymore-- my boss has had his parents send us cash the last couple months. The 15th will be here shortly, and the account is negative right now. I'm not worried so much about me. I'm resilient, I'll find another job, and I'll be fine. But I'm worried about these people that I've hired that put their lives in our hands. My heart is fluttering just thinking about it. We're not to that point yet. If we can make this final push, make it through the next month or so, we have a new product with a ready buyer that will take us well out of the red. We just have to get there.
I feel like I've been saying that for months. If we can just make it to May. If we can just make it through the summer. Now, if we can just make it to Thanksgiving. Will we ever just be ok?
I've also been thinking a lot about myself and the way my brain works. I don't remember things the way I should, like childhood memories. I don't remember my grandmother. It's like somehow all the good memories I should have of her and her personality and the way she loved me are all wiped clean and all I'm left with is this shell of a woman who hardly knows my name. Where did the memories go?? It makes me feel crazy. I feel like I'm living someone else's life half the time, like I'm going to wake up and be someone else. I read somewhere that that's a condition of being an INFJ (my Myers-Briggs personality type) under stress.
Obviously I don't deal with stress very well. So I want to see a counselor. My husband was surprisingly supportive of it despite being a very logical left-brained no-nonsense sort of fellow. He acknowledged that he's not the best person to talk to about emotional matters (no kidding) and that he's been worried about me too because I'm tired a lot lately.
I googled psychologists in my area and didn't come up with much. I have a couple coworkers who see people, and my plan was to avoid them because I didn't want a conflict of interest or a coworker to learn that I was seeing someone too, but with so few in town, I had to call them.
I've got calls into 5 different docs right now, waiting for a call-back to get some questions answered. I did speak to one, but she was so sugary-sweet, I felt like she'd coddle and mommy me, plus her southern accent was so strong "yes" had about three syllables. I make fun of my husband being no-nonsense, but I am too, and I don't want to be babied. I'm an adult, tell me what I'm doing wrong and I'll fix it, but don't sweet talk me. So she was a no-go.
Picking a therapist is hard. Pick the wrong one and you could end up getting a lecture about how "God sure would help" or watching a doctor doodle and twiddle their thumbs while you're spilling your guts and getting nowhere. I also need one that will see me either before or after work.
I wish I was just normal. What is normal though, really?
Work has been stressing me out. I can't hardly think about it without getting anxious. We're not making payroll anymore-- my boss has had his parents send us cash the last couple months. The 15th will be here shortly, and the account is negative right now. I'm not worried so much about me. I'm resilient, I'll find another job, and I'll be fine. But I'm worried about these people that I've hired that put their lives in our hands. My heart is fluttering just thinking about it. We're not to that point yet. If we can make this final push, make it through the next month or so, we have a new product with a ready buyer that will take us well out of the red. We just have to get there.
I feel like I've been saying that for months. If we can just make it to May. If we can just make it through the summer. Now, if we can just make it to Thanksgiving. Will we ever just be ok?
I've also been thinking a lot about myself and the way my brain works. I don't remember things the way I should, like childhood memories. I don't remember my grandmother. It's like somehow all the good memories I should have of her and her personality and the way she loved me are all wiped clean and all I'm left with is this shell of a woman who hardly knows my name. Where did the memories go?? It makes me feel crazy. I feel like I'm living someone else's life half the time, like I'm going to wake up and be someone else. I read somewhere that that's a condition of being an INFJ (my Myers-Briggs personality type) under stress.
Obviously I don't deal with stress very well. So I want to see a counselor. My husband was surprisingly supportive of it despite being a very logical left-brained no-nonsense sort of fellow. He acknowledged that he's not the best person to talk to about emotional matters (no kidding) and that he's been worried about me too because I'm tired a lot lately.
I googled psychologists in my area and didn't come up with much. I have a couple coworkers who see people, and my plan was to avoid them because I didn't want a conflict of interest or a coworker to learn that I was seeing someone too, but with so few in town, I had to call them.
I've got calls into 5 different docs right now, waiting for a call-back to get some questions answered. I did speak to one, but she was so sugary-sweet, I felt like she'd coddle and mommy me, plus her southern accent was so strong "yes" had about three syllables. I make fun of my husband being no-nonsense, but I am too, and I don't want to be babied. I'm an adult, tell me what I'm doing wrong and I'll fix it, but don't sweet talk me. So she was a no-go.
Picking a therapist is hard. Pick the wrong one and you could end up getting a lecture about how "God sure would help" or watching a doctor doodle and twiddle their thumbs while you're spilling your guts and getting nowhere. I also need one that will see me either before or after work.
I wish I was just normal. What is normal though, really?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
travel
I feel a strange compulsion to post today, but I have nothing to say.
I started to leave it at that, but things are starting to come to me. Random thoughts, as usual. We were supposed to go to New Orleans to visit friends next month-- next month is November, as a reminder, in case you, like me, are surprised at how incredibly quickly this year has passed-- but hotels were just too expensive that weekend, and for no reason that I could find. We have other friends who regularly go to Saints games and always get the Sheraton on Canal for $65 a night on Priceline, but we couldn't get anything for less than $120 a night. When you throw in New Orleans's outrageous parking fees (sometimes as much as $30 a day) it became ridiculous.
So we're postponing. I would say "until the spring" only we have decided to take our Italian vacation in April. Venice, Florence, Rome, and the Amalfi coast, 14 days in glorious springtime in Italy. I've already seriously begun to plan, and we applied for a new credit card last night.
We applied for the Chase Sapphire card because of the great things we've heard and read about their live "concierge" customer service. A lost or stolen card in Italy requires me to be on the phone with a real American person directly, not redirected to India or sitting through a recording and hold music. It's only available to folks with credit scores higher than 750. Because the only credit card I ever had was one that belonged to my dad but was in my name throughout high school and college, I have superb credit. People take their credit scores for granted, but mine has allowed me to buy several things interest free (couch, washing machine and dryer, etc.) as well as get a really low interest rate on both my mortgage and my car (used, of course. Suckers buy new). Because we're tight-fisted and, frankly, anal about our finances, my credit has remained high through the years though I haven't actually used it to my advantage in a while. So hopefully they come back with a decent APR-- we'll never carry a balance, but I like to be wanted and appreciated.
Back to work. Oh, lunch first.
I started to leave it at that, but things are starting to come to me. Random thoughts, as usual. We were supposed to go to New Orleans to visit friends next month-- next month is November, as a reminder, in case you, like me, are surprised at how incredibly quickly this year has passed-- but hotels were just too expensive that weekend, and for no reason that I could find. We have other friends who regularly go to Saints games and always get the Sheraton on Canal for $65 a night on Priceline, but we couldn't get anything for less than $120 a night. When you throw in New Orleans's outrageous parking fees (sometimes as much as $30 a day) it became ridiculous.
So we're postponing. I would say "until the spring" only we have decided to take our Italian vacation in April. Venice, Florence, Rome, and the Amalfi coast, 14 days in glorious springtime in Italy. I've already seriously begun to plan, and we applied for a new credit card last night.
We applied for the Chase Sapphire card because of the great things we've heard and read about their live "concierge" customer service. A lost or stolen card in Italy requires me to be on the phone with a real American person directly, not redirected to India or sitting through a recording and hold music. It's only available to folks with credit scores higher than 750. Because the only credit card I ever had was one that belonged to my dad but was in my name throughout high school and college, I have superb credit. People take their credit scores for granted, but mine has allowed me to buy several things interest free (couch, washing machine and dryer, etc.) as well as get a really low interest rate on both my mortgage and my car (used, of course. Suckers buy new). Because we're tight-fisted and, frankly, anal about our finances, my credit has remained high through the years though I haven't actually used it to my advantage in a while. So hopefully they come back with a decent APR-- we'll never carry a balance, but I like to be wanted and appreciated.
Back to work. Oh, lunch first.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)