I'm angry, so angry, so hurt and annoyed and pained, at my brother. So angry because now years-- decades-- after the initial hurt, that wound has been reopened. I still can't bring myself to call him, the master manipulator, or his little brother. My mouth would not be guarded. I can't even put it properly in words here. I'm cut to the core of myself, and the slightest twist, the lightest laugh, the quietest cough of a memory of him and I cry out in agony, the hastily-done stitches pulling at the edges. I am betrayed and thus singular.
I am not a debater. My thoughts get tangled up on my tongue and spill out disarranged. I sweat, my voice shakes, and I'll cry if you let me, or even if you don't. I dislike confrontation of any sort, academic or personal. I don't speak up anymore, not like I used to. I wonder sometimes what happened to that raging girl, the one who didn't give a damn about contrary opinions. Now I'd rather remain a mystery, a quiet enigma, than be deserted. Most don't agree with my pacifistic, inclusive, and empathetic way of being and seeing.
It's so painful, this thing that's so close and yet so far out of reach. To act out the rambling world I create in my mind, I could live out loud, expressing every thought that came, but I wouldn't be me. I am quiet now and have chosen a quiet life. I am whole. I do not feel lost or lonely, and I am content. I suppose that's all that matters.
There are moments, though, tangled up in the contentedness, like now, when I want to scream.
Hello there my friend. Long time no see.
ReplyDeleteSorry I couldn't post anything earlier.Life and its demands.
It seems that you have changed as a human being and I guess that comes with life's experiences.
You know..I feel the same way..Sometimes I wonder where the reckless impulsive girl has gone..why do I try to avoid confrontations so much? The answer for me is that I have simply mellowed down with age.
What has been your reason?
By the way..I'm sorry if I had offended when I commented about cats.Sorry.Didn't mean to sound rude.
Regards
Deboshree
I have some experience with what your feeling as well. Sometimes it takes a long time to get over being wounded, I think that's what gets me jumpy sometimes, when I am wounded. I definantly don't like confrontation, I started walking around thinking "if they want to do that, it's ok, that's there way..." but then I thought, there are things that are not ok, why am saying that people who have scanky, low down, no good habits are alright in what they are doing. It is not alright!! There has to be a line, and we all need to draw it and not let it be crossed. I think part of it comes from the realization that we cannot control others, or what they do to us.
ReplyDeleteYour expression of pain here, I wish recovery for you. *Hugs*
SG
I understand some of the sentiments; they sound like my feelings sometimes. Although never quite so eloquent. You have a lovely style.
ReplyDeleteThere is so shame in choosing to live quietly and without confrontation. And not everything needs to be verbalized to be expressed. I hope you can find a way to let go of what you cannot control. There are days it seems like that is my biggest struggle.
Hi Scarlethue,
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of strength to stay quiet and not engage in an arguement. It also takes more fortitude to stand up for a cause. The most essential is having wisdom know which battle to choose.
Whatever you chose to do, be proud of yourself. Life is full of imperfections but these teach us valuable lessons we can use in our journey.
Hugs.
SS
I probably engage in confrontation and argument too much and usually without thinking of the consequences. I wish I could think more carefully about things, but sometimes it just bursts out.
ReplyDeleteIf I was you, I'd just scream. Makes as much sense as any argument.
I wish I had some sage advise that would be the perfect solution to your inner conflict. I don't. I do know that what you are currently doing (writing this) is going to be helpful. I had a similar conflict when I was probably about your age with my mother. I eventually had a break down and was hospitilized. One of the parts of my therapy was to express my feelings on paper, which eventually led me to be able to give voice to them. Hang in there and know that you are not alone!
ReplyDelete