the brink of despair

I think it's a condition of being human, of being flawed and imperfect, of being placed into a spinning world with other flawed, imperfect beings, circling each other in this dance, trying not to step on toes and as a result crashing into one another, that causes all of us at certain points of every day to be pushed to the brink of despair.

There are times I'm sitting minding my own business, and I realize, somewhere deep inside, back in the depth of my soul somewhere in the dust and out of the light, that I could weep. About what, I don't know. If I let go and felt what I really felt... I worry about doing this. I worry about any of us doing this, about knocking down our walls and truly feeling anything. I don't think humans are built for it. We all know it, that feeling that if we just let go, we might never be able to return to what was, so we grasp at the walls and pull at the ropes of who we are, trying desperately not to fall into that trap.

I am a happy person, so I wonder sometimes where this despair comes from when it surfaces. I know where it really comes from, that it's a symptom of being human, of the loss and anger and disappointment we all have, but what causes it to surface I don't know. 

You'd be lying if you told me you don't know what I mean. Or you're lying to yourself about what you feel, about what that tiny voice in the back of your throat is really saying sometimes, what it's really screaming through the cotton you've stuffed in your ears. There's no such thing as happiness all the time. If you're not sad, if you're not in pain, a least a little, even at the best of times, you're either not paying attention or you're numb and feeling nothing. 

Today is a thoughtful day. My days have names; when I wake, they introduce themselves to me one by one and take my hand as I step out of my bed and into the morning. When I close my eyes at night they fade into the blackness, sometimes returning sooner than I hope, sometimes disappearing for longer than I'd like. Thoughtful has not graced me with her presence much lately as Determination and Exhaustion are more forceful characters and tend to push her out of the way. I'm thankful for her success today.