I hold people to high standards. They're no higher than to what I hold myself, but I'm not everyone else. See, even that sounds bitchy.
I think I'm better than a lot of other people. No, I take that back-- I think I'm smarter than a lot of other people. Because I am. It's the truth, it's not bragging, but it sounds like bragging, which is why I think I'm a bitch. I'm good at my job, they couldn't live without me here, and they know it. That doesn't give me an excuse to run around acting like the mistake police though. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone misses an email now and then. (I just don't miss the huge ones, the ones that could make or break you, but that's just me....)
I don't know how to stop myself. I don't know how to not get frustrated with a coworker who so very obviously is in over his head but won't admit to mistakes. He thinks he's better than me, why, because he's paid more? Or because he's a man? Yeah, I get that feeling from him sometimes. Maybe that's why I get so angry with him, because I can't stand for someone to make me feel small just because I'm a woman.
I'm struggling with this today, struggling with understanding my reactions to problems, how I jump to tattling and reprimanding than trying to relate. But it's so simple... if I handle 400 emails a day and only miss maybe one a week, how can I feel sympathy for someone who sees 25-30 a day and misses the most important one? Who continually asks questions that have been answered in previous emails if only he'd scroll down? Whose reaction to my following up on it is "It's not my fault, I didn't know anything about it" rather than searching for the email, seeing it and saying, "I'm sorry, I'll take care of it right away."
I'm sure this is boring to you all. I have to have a conversation with my boss about this employee at some point today, and I'm torn between bashing and smoothing it over. In the end, he was nice about it and did take care of it, I just don't appreciate the initial attitude. I don't know that there's anything that can be done about it. I obviously cannot change my bitchy ways, so I don't know why I'd expect him to change his defensive ones. And I suppose the way I approach him has something to do with his reaction as well, although I really tried to just "follow up" this morning rather than "interrogate." I tried.
I do wish I could be a fly on the wall for a day, live outside myself and watch myself react to things, in the way other people see me. I wish we could all do that. I think it would make us all better people. From the inside out today, I look like a snobby perfectionist, wanting the world to be as good as I think I am, and I'm making myself a little sick.
Are you in my head? This is the number one thing that I grapple with within myself on a regular basis. I try to be patient, to not be judgemental, and carefully choose my words as not to accidentally come off as "such" a bitch.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard, but I think you're right about being a fly on the wall. I do wish I had the opportunity to see myself the way others do... or even then way I would see myself were I not inside my own head already.
You can be that fly on the wall by watching and guaging others' reactions to you. It's often a good compass to our own behaviour. If we appear over-the-top to most people, then we probably really are over-reacting.
ReplyDeleteIf the coworker's mistakes are not affecting your own quality of work, and he doesn't work for you, that's simply out of your territory and up to his boss to figure out on his own. I sure can understand your frustration, but if you feel as if you're fighting back the urge to interogate him, there's no doubt he reads that all over your approach, no matter the words used.
It's tough to balance it all sometimes. I hope you find that comfortable center of gravity. :)
I think you should be honest with the boss, in that the employee's initial response left something to be desired, and then that it all worked out okay. Tactfully lay the whole circumstance out.
ReplyDeleteTo be a fly once in awhile would be grand. There's so much I could gain perspective on.
I'm working on putting some space between the reaction and the emotion I'm feeling. Try to relax, take a breath, think other thoughts before responding. Remember, you can't change other people and what they do, only your reaction to said people and instances. Hang in there. Work is the hardest place to keep our cool.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's about developing some more empathy. I do think that many people are less able than I am, but I know that sometimes it really doesn't help regarding them all as numpties. My faults are more than enough for me to deal with and they have to put up with a lot from me too - mostly my abject impatience.
ReplyDeleteI once was given a most valuable piece of advise. Try to find that one thing that this person is better at than you are and ask for his help. I know this sounds degrading, but it does work well in defusing any confrontations that might arise later. It seems the theory is that if you are willing to learn from them , they are willing to learn from you.
ReplyDeleteI know it sounds a little superficial and condescending.....but I have found it to work in a few situations for me. If it doesn't do the trick, then bitching might not be a bad idea.
Thanks everyone for the advice and commiseration. Everything worked out in the end, no hurt feelings or anything. And the boss had a productive meeting with us too.
ReplyDeleteRachel- I choose my words very carefully too. Want to change minds for a day? I'll take good notes for you if you do the same for me. :)
Hilary- unfortunately his mistakes directly affect me, especially in today's situation. But like I said, it all got worked out in the end.
Janna- great minds think alike- that's exactly what I did.
Nancy- I can always count on you for perspective. You're so right, I need to alter my reaction and not worry about him. I know that. Deep breaths. Thanks.
Madame- I don't think I could handle any more empathy!! But you're right, regarding people as "dumb" doesn't help anything. Working on that. And on my impatience too :)
Kathy- That's a really good idea, a good way to make people feel like valued team members when maybe they're not feeling so included. I'll have to use that.
For every action, there is a reaction. It sounds more to me that you are reacting, rather than acting. By that I mean, sometimes people can drive is completely insane and then we react. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I work with someone who frustrates the hell out of me (not the office bully, but someone else...) and I'm sure to her I look really cranky and crabby. It's all relative. :-)
ReplyDeleteThis cracked me up. I am on vacation and so I am randomly catching up with the blogs I follow.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I can see myself saying the exact thing you are writing about. I laugh because it is honest and I believe most people feel this way, more often than not.
What is the lesson here that you are supposed to learn? Patience or perhaps not being taken for granted? It is difficult to not point out other people's ineptness when you are excelling at your job and probably expected to be this way, all of the time.
I try to figure my frustrations our based on what the lesson is. A lot of times, it isn't fun and I don't like admitting it, either. I definitely can be a bitch:)
Thank you for making me smile today!