I realized yesterday that I haven't forgiven my older brother, or my younger one at that, and that I'm carrying around anger for them constantly, like a little black mist obscuring a small part of my soul. I don't think about it much, but it's there, and I'd like to be rid of it.
My older brother starting hanging out with the "wrong crowd" and doing drugs at about age 15. I was 12. He got so overwhelmed by it that he was physically abusive at times, emotionally abusive always, drove my dad to hysterics, and dropped out of school. This went on for years with no real resolution, no real end and new beginning, no finish line.
I didn't talk to him for several years. My first year of college I took a creative writing class, and while writing about my family I realized how much hatred I had stored up for him. I let it go, as simple as that. Like a bird I had trapped inside, fluttering against the cage walls, when I finally realized it wanted out I simply opened the door and watched it fly away. I decided I didn't need that inside me, and I forgave him for myself, not for him. I was ready to let it go.
That was almost ten years ago, ten years in which he has inflicted new cuts and bruises on me and our family. Ten years in which he has moved from city to city, girl to girl, never getting a job for more than a few months at a time, lying to my parents, coercing them out of money, and expecting nothing but acceptance and acquiescence from us. I'm done, I've been done with him for a couple of years. I talk to him on birthdays and Christmas. I don't need his crap in my life.
But somehow it manages to find its way back in, as my parents can't give up. So I'm still angry, angry for the pain he causes them, angry for every sleepless night my mother has worrying about him and his brother (who's now growing pot in north California), angry for every sigh my father heaves over both of them, every sad glance down at the table away from us, angry that I don't have brothers who love and care for their family the way they should. I'm furious, actually, and if I didn't think it would only make it worse for my parents, I'd tell both brothers exactly what I thought and cut them out completely.
All I want-- all I want-- is a little appreciation from both of them for all my parents do for them. I don't even care if they still ask for money or remain jobless or whatever, as long as they understand my parents are doing them a favor and not simply fulfilling whatever duty my brothers think they're owed.
I'm not ready to let go of this anger yet. I take that back. I've gotten comfortable with it, wrapped it around me, stood in front of it and prodded and stoked it, basking in the heat of it. It's not a single hurt, or a past hurt-- it's an ongoing issue that doesn't seem to have an end. Neither of them think they're doing anything wrong. How do you forgive someone who continues to sin against you over and over without even thinking about how their actions affect you, or caring? Like someone who walks by you and kicks you in the same spot on your shin every day, not noticing the bruise they're leaving behind, the bruise that gets darker and darker with each passing day, not hearing your words of either protest or forgiveness as they stride away from you.
And there it goes. Deep breath in, deep breath out, the cage door opens and this day has been forgiven. I will let it go. Maybe if I just keep at it, every day forgiving every day's trespasses, eventually there will be no more to forgive. Eventually.
I'm sorry that you don't have a good relationship with your brothers. And I'm sorry that they don't appreciated all your parents have done for them. That's so unfortunate. They are missing out on being a part of what sounds like a wonderful family and they don't even realize it.
ReplyDeleteI learned that a person's emotional and mental maturity is arrested at the age at which they began drinking/using (abusively).
ReplyDeleteThat would mean your brothers are still stuck in their teens. Considering that most teens are incapable of looking much beyond themselves, the lack of appreciation sounds right.
I understand the question "How do you forgive someone who continues to sin against you over and over without even thinking about how their actions affect you, or caring?" I think anyone who deals with an alcoholic or user understands that question. And I think that the answer varies from person to person. For me, it's a continual struggle to forgive. It's a constant effort and there are times when I am not strong enough to let it go. Like you, sometimes I want to wallow in my anger. Eventually though, I get tired of polluting my world with the negativity. I also distance myself as much as possible.
I hope that in time you can find a way to let go of the anger, for yourself, not your brothers. If you stumble across some wonderful method I hope you'll share!
I'll leave the advice to others. Sometimes all we can really do is accept what we can't do, what we're powerless to influence. I hope that's not the case for you; that you manage to influence it one day, some how.
ReplyDeleteIt's a case of surviving the storm sometimes. I hope you get through to calmer skies no matter what.
I think unfortunately family can sometimes be very disappointing and we thrive in spite of them not because of them. I don't really have any more to say than that.
ReplyDeleteYou're not hurting either of them with your anger, you know. You are only hurting yourself. And eventually that anger and stress will manifest itself in physical symptoms.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ellen. sometimes, the anger vented and moral lectures given just does not hit home. Sometimes, its just the silent treatment that works. Love deep down makes you so mad at them. So love for you deep down in them also will make them realise just how wrong they are and how right things could be as you're trying to make them.
ReplyDeleteTake care and all the best!