uncertainties

I hate not knowing. I hate uncertainties.

Let me rephrase that a little. I don't mind theoretical uncertainties, as in whether or not there is a god, whether aliens exist, whether the chicken or the egg came first, whether it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved before. These are all things I have accepted that I will most likely never answer in my lifetime, and I am perfectly and agnostically okay with that.

What I don't like are real life questions with no answers, or at least difficult to obtain answers. Like why the fax machine isn't working. Or why we haven't started the project at work we were supposed to start this morning, and if we'll ever start it, and when that will be so I can come prepared again. Or when I get to go to lunch because I can't sit here and wait forever for us to start. Get off the phone already.

I'm very good at reading emotions and moods, but they don't tell you the basic information you need to plan your day. I'm a planner. I know when I'm doing everything throughout the day, from which project before lunch to which after, when dinner needs to be on the stove, when I need to be in bed. Some people say there's no fun, no spontaneity in this, but I say spontaneity is over-rated. Besides, those people don't live in my head-- if they did, they'd know the slight panic I feel when my plan goes awry is no fun at all. We can't help the way we're wired.

I guess that means I can't help that other people are wired for looseness and fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pantsness either. It's something I need to learn to accept like I've accepted my theoretical uncertainties. It's just that these grand uncertainties, these universal questions, big as they are don't actually affect my life. Whereas my lunchtime... that most certainly does.