I AM SO FRUSTRATED.
Why is this country talking about the right to get birth control covered by insurance? Since when did someone else's religious belief become more important than my right to be able to afford the medicine that my doctor prescribed to me?
People are so mean! A woman, a mother of two of my high school friends, was just ranting on facebook about how we shouldn't have to pay for college girls to get their birth control cheaply. SERIOUSLY? I am NOT a college girl, I am a married woman, and I take birth control too, and I don't want to have to pay an arm and a leg for it every month! There are a ton of responsible, married, stable women out there who take it for reasons well beyond not getting pregnant, and you know what, even if that is their only reason, it's THIER CHOICE because it's THEIR BODY! There have been times in my life where I wouldn't have been able to afford my birth control without insurance coverage, and I need it to control a medical issue, not just so I can have sex without getting pregnant. Why do people not understand this?
Why is no one talking about viagra? Why does that not offend anyone's religious beliefs? Its sole purpose is to make it so men can have sex. Nothing else. Are they just assuming because these men are old, they are married, and hey they "might" be trying to have more kids, so it's cool. But birth control? Hell no, right? These women are just sluts out there having a good time, I'm not paying for that!
I responded to her post with something similar to above and now I'm afraid to go back to facebook. I know no one on her thread will listen to me. I just can't abide the stupidity anymore. I can't take it!
You know, I think the worst part of this is that I respected her and looked up to her as a kid. I never knew she was so closed-minded. It makes me sad. I thought I was going to inherit a world where women were treated as equal, where I didn't have to fight for basic freaking rights, but instead everything is a mess.
I came out of the womb a feminist, kicking and screaming against the patriarchy from the start. No one puts me down or pushes me aside, especially not just because I'm a woman. I will stand and I will fight. I'm sick to death of being a second class citizen.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Here I am
I've decided I need to come back and write again. I was frustrated last year with my blog. I think I got tied up trying to entertain and forgot the original purpose, which was to get my frustrations and my thoughts out of my own way and to open up some room to move inside my brain. So I've changed my look here and will start fresh again. I wish there was a way to archive old posts, but I suppose they'll be moved out quickly enough.
There are probably a lot of things about which I could write, a lot of frustrations and deeply felt questions brought up over the last several months, but the last straw today, what finally brought me back here, was a work interaction. It's silly, really, but I don't have anyone I feel like I can discuss this with other than my husband, and hopefully he's busy with his own work.
I have an employee who drives me to pull my hair out with her lack of attention to detail and her ability to turn the simplest of issues into a confusing, drawn-out conversation. Just today I asked her if a file she had opened for a client had been open "for more than a week." I ask yes or no questions for a reason-- most of the time I want a short answer so that I can move on with my life. I don't necessarily always need all the details. Details bog me down. I need the big picture. She answered "I opened it on the 21st," which leaves me to look up what today is and count back. I said, "does that mean yes or no?" to force her to give me what I wanted, and I'm sure she thought "what a bitch" but I don't care. I have so many things going on in one day that when someone can't give me straight answers, even after I've had several conversations with them about what I need in my time-sensitive job, I can't help but be aggravated.
She told me I'm tougher on female employees than I am on male. I suppose that could be true, but I also have a male employee on a 60-day probation right now, and I have several objective ways in which I judge employees' work (like a report that our internal contact manager software pulls to show me mistakes created in the system). She consistently falls well behind all her coworkers in these reports. She can't seem to manage to get customer interaction entered correctly, whether that's completely forgetting to log something, leaving fields blank, or putting information under the entirely wrong person. Her inactions with customers often seem confused and circular except when it's a straight-forward known issue.
You know, the more I think about it, I actually think I'm easier on her than I am on the others. It's taken me longer to get to this point with her than it has with some others. That may have more to do with her personality in general than her being a female-- she tends to cry, and I hate to see anyone cry, not because I feel sympathy, but because it annoys me and makes me feel uncomfortable so I avoid it. And I also take her excuses more often than I would from a guy. She's one of very few women on a mostly-male technical team, so I really think I give her more slack than the others because I want some diversity.
She's an entry-level employee, so I've been trying to give time and guidance to help her find her groove, but I'm getting fed up. I asked her to fill out her personal development plan, and she told me she thinks she can be the department manager in "3 to 6 months," meaning she thinks she can out maneuver the reigning department lead who's also vying for that open manager spot and who has a full year of training on her. She obviously hasn't been listening to my criticisms and had her opinion of her work suffer for it. It's time to get tough, I think, give her one last 60-day shot at it too, and then let her go if she can't perform. I don't have the luxury of time to waste, and all she seems capable of doing correctly and consistently is wasting my time. The good news is since she was hired I have developed a new way to source people for this position, and the new hires seem to be much more suitable and capable.
Running a department like this is not something I ever thought I would be doing, and I feel like I play chess with people's lives on a regular basis, but my ultimate responsibility lies with protecting the health of the company overall because a healthy company means we all get paid. I can't let a bad apple spoil the bunch, as painful as it is sometimes to pick it and throw it away.
There are probably a lot of things about which I could write, a lot of frustrations and deeply felt questions brought up over the last several months, but the last straw today, what finally brought me back here, was a work interaction. It's silly, really, but I don't have anyone I feel like I can discuss this with other than my husband, and hopefully he's busy with his own work.
I have an employee who drives me to pull my hair out with her lack of attention to detail and her ability to turn the simplest of issues into a confusing, drawn-out conversation. Just today I asked her if a file she had opened for a client had been open "for more than a week." I ask yes or no questions for a reason-- most of the time I want a short answer so that I can move on with my life. I don't necessarily always need all the details. Details bog me down. I need the big picture. She answered "I opened it on the 21st," which leaves me to look up what today is and count back. I said, "does that mean yes or no?" to force her to give me what I wanted, and I'm sure she thought "what a bitch" but I don't care. I have so many things going on in one day that when someone can't give me straight answers, even after I've had several conversations with them about what I need in my time-sensitive job, I can't help but be aggravated.
She told me I'm tougher on female employees than I am on male. I suppose that could be true, but I also have a male employee on a 60-day probation right now, and I have several objective ways in which I judge employees' work (like a report that our internal contact manager software pulls to show me mistakes created in the system). She consistently falls well behind all her coworkers in these reports. She can't seem to manage to get customer interaction entered correctly, whether that's completely forgetting to log something, leaving fields blank, or putting information under the entirely wrong person. Her inactions with customers often seem confused and circular except when it's a straight-forward known issue.
You know, the more I think about it, I actually think I'm easier on her than I am on the others. It's taken me longer to get to this point with her than it has with some others. That may have more to do with her personality in general than her being a female-- she tends to cry, and I hate to see anyone cry, not because I feel sympathy, but because it annoys me and makes me feel uncomfortable so I avoid it. And I also take her excuses more often than I would from a guy. She's one of very few women on a mostly-male technical team, so I really think I give her more slack than the others because I want some diversity.
She's an entry-level employee, so I've been trying to give time and guidance to help her find her groove, but I'm getting fed up. I asked her to fill out her personal development plan, and she told me she thinks she can be the department manager in "3 to 6 months," meaning she thinks she can out maneuver the reigning department lead who's also vying for that open manager spot and who has a full year of training on her. She obviously hasn't been listening to my criticisms and had her opinion of her work suffer for it. It's time to get tough, I think, give her one last 60-day shot at it too, and then let her go if she can't perform. I don't have the luxury of time to waste, and all she seems capable of doing correctly and consistently is wasting my time. The good news is since she was hired I have developed a new way to source people for this position, and the new hires seem to be much more suitable and capable.
Running a department like this is not something I ever thought I would be doing, and I feel like I play chess with people's lives on a regular basis, but my ultimate responsibility lies with protecting the health of the company overall because a healthy company means we all get paid. I can't let a bad apple spoil the bunch, as painful as it is sometimes to pick it and throw it away.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
my life
It's been an interesting couple of months.
My dad has always joked that one day, when we were ready to upgrade, they'd just buy our house from us. Their schedule got shifted, however, when he suddenly decided to retire earlier this year and they made plans to move here this coming spring. There just happened to be a house on the market-- 7.5 acres with a pond, 3000 square feet, in need of some tlc inside but nothing we couldn't handle-- so husband and I decided to take a look, just out of curiosity, with the plan of my parents buying our house from us. One thing led to another, and suddenly we were meeting with a mortgage lender to figure out numbers.
But, as life goes sometimes, we missed it by a day. It had been on the market for two years, and all the sudden two couples were interested at the same time, and they won.
I was heartbroken. I was already decorating it in my head, already living in it. Though it was going to be a financial stretch, I thought that's what we needed to do. One afternoon, feeling heartbroken but almost kind of relieved, I was looking around our house and had a revelation: if we actually tried, our house could be nice. If we got rid of the college furniture and cleaned up the deck a little and saved some money to redo the kitchen, we'd have a nice house. And what in the world would we do with 3000 square feet anyway? It's just the two of us and will only be the two of us for quite a while, if not forever. I like our house. I like the colors, the layout, the bathroom, the large yard, the neighborhood. Why go anywhere, really?
I think we were trying to keep up with the Jones'. Several of our friends have moved recently, and I think we were feeling left behind in our 1500 square foot "starter" home. What I forgot is that we are not just another Jones, we are us. We are different, we do things differently, think differently, and have different wants and plans for our lives. We don't need a bigger house, we need a bigger life, and buying an expensive house is only going to keep us tied down instead of out actually living.
So we're going to live. Monday we went up to Memphis furniture shopping, and this week we have given away both the college-era TV stand and the cheap torn-up couch. We have a new couch, rug, and tv cabinet, all very stylish in our own tastes, not anyone else's, and we're waiting on husband's new Stickley recliner bow-arm chair to be made and delivered. We are then going to start planning our new kitchen to be installed in the late spring, probably with concrete counters and a large wine rack. We've also decided to start saving for another trip. We're thinking Vienna this time.
We have good jobs and freedom, so we might as well enjoy it. Yes, there is a balance, and retirement saving is also happening. But I'm not going to hoard every dollar only to get hit by a bus at age 60, never having actually lived my life. My mother's best friend died last week, a stroke at 60. Last time I spoke to her, she was talking about our Italy trip and how much she wanted to go and how she'd get there eventually. Eventually is a luxury that we're not all going to get. Some people, like my friend's wife who was killed in the car wreck earlier this year, or a former coworker who died last month from pneumonia of all things, don't even get to see middle-age.
I think it's a sickness that people have, especially women, to live for someone else. We let other people make our decisions for us, push us down a certain path, toward marriage then children then retirement then, eventually, if you're lucky, some free time, then death. What if my path looks more like college, marriage, travel, adventure, career growth, exploration, charity work, possibly children while the rest is still going on, then, eventually, death. My eventually becomes death itself and not the life I want to live.
All of this has led me to the realization that I want to live every day. I already knew that, but the things that have happened this year have solidified it for me in a way that will affect my decisions from now on. I'm not going to do what other people think I should do, what is normal, what everyone else does, just because they say so. I'm going to make my own decisions and walk my own path. I don't want to live anyone else's life. I don't want to adhere to anyone else's standards. I only get this one life, and I might as well be happy in it. When I'm my parent's age, I don't want to look back and regret the things I never did; instead I want to look back and think, "Wow. Look at the life we have lived," while looking forward to more.
My dad has always joked that one day, when we were ready to upgrade, they'd just buy our house from us. Their schedule got shifted, however, when he suddenly decided to retire earlier this year and they made plans to move here this coming spring. There just happened to be a house on the market-- 7.5 acres with a pond, 3000 square feet, in need of some tlc inside but nothing we couldn't handle-- so husband and I decided to take a look, just out of curiosity, with the plan of my parents buying our house from us. One thing led to another, and suddenly we were meeting with a mortgage lender to figure out numbers.
But, as life goes sometimes, we missed it by a day. It had been on the market for two years, and all the sudden two couples were interested at the same time, and they won.
I was heartbroken. I was already decorating it in my head, already living in it. Though it was going to be a financial stretch, I thought that's what we needed to do. One afternoon, feeling heartbroken but almost kind of relieved, I was looking around our house and had a revelation: if we actually tried, our house could be nice. If we got rid of the college furniture and cleaned up the deck a little and saved some money to redo the kitchen, we'd have a nice house. And what in the world would we do with 3000 square feet anyway? It's just the two of us and will only be the two of us for quite a while, if not forever. I like our house. I like the colors, the layout, the bathroom, the large yard, the neighborhood. Why go anywhere, really?
I think we were trying to keep up with the Jones'. Several of our friends have moved recently, and I think we were feeling left behind in our 1500 square foot "starter" home. What I forgot is that we are not just another Jones, we are us. We are different, we do things differently, think differently, and have different wants and plans for our lives. We don't need a bigger house, we need a bigger life, and buying an expensive house is only going to keep us tied down instead of out actually living.
So we're going to live. Monday we went up to Memphis furniture shopping, and this week we have given away both the college-era TV stand and the cheap torn-up couch. We have a new couch, rug, and tv cabinet, all very stylish in our own tastes, not anyone else's, and we're waiting on husband's new Stickley recliner bow-arm chair to be made and delivered. We are then going to start planning our new kitchen to be installed in the late spring, probably with concrete counters and a large wine rack. We've also decided to start saving for another trip. We're thinking Vienna this time.
We have good jobs and freedom, so we might as well enjoy it. Yes, there is a balance, and retirement saving is also happening. But I'm not going to hoard every dollar only to get hit by a bus at age 60, never having actually lived my life. My mother's best friend died last week, a stroke at 60. Last time I spoke to her, she was talking about our Italy trip and how much she wanted to go and how she'd get there eventually. Eventually is a luxury that we're not all going to get. Some people, like my friend's wife who was killed in the car wreck earlier this year, or a former coworker who died last month from pneumonia of all things, don't even get to see middle-age.
I think it's a sickness that people have, especially women, to live for someone else. We let other people make our decisions for us, push us down a certain path, toward marriage then children then retirement then, eventually, if you're lucky, some free time, then death. What if my path looks more like college, marriage, travel, adventure, career growth, exploration, charity work, possibly children while the rest is still going on, then, eventually, death. My eventually becomes death itself and not the life I want to live.
All of this has led me to the realization that I want to live every day. I already knew that, but the things that have happened this year have solidified it for me in a way that will affect my decisions from now on. I'm not going to do what other people think I should do, what is normal, what everyone else does, just because they say so. I'm going to make my own decisions and walk my own path. I don't want to live anyone else's life. I don't want to adhere to anyone else's standards. I only get this one life, and I might as well be happy in it. When I'm my parent's age, I don't want to look back and regret the things I never did; instead I want to look back and think, "Wow. Look at the life we have lived," while looking forward to more.
Monday, July 11, 2011
chaos
There is chaos all around me lately. I started to say "I feel like there is chaos," but no, there definitely is; it's not just a feeling. I'm beginning to wonder if it's some world-wide trend, that the summer of 2011 has been particularly insane for everyone, and if it's a sign of the end of the world or the world as we know it, because it just keeps coming, relentlessly.
Two weeks ago a friend's wife died in a car crash. Snap, just like that, she's gone, head first into a tree, leaving her husband and toddler son on their own. This past weekend a newlywed coworker tried to kill himself, downing two and a half bottles of assorted pills and running out into the woods at midnight. He was found wandering down the road early the next morning, disoriented, and is still in the hospital though no longer in ICU. Another coworker and good friend's wife had a stroke today, out of the blue. She's in her 40s. They say she'll be ok but she's in the ICU now too.
My husband's new promotion means he can't take a day off work until they find the replacement for his former positions, so he's working Monday through Saturday without a break, leaving me to run all errands and do everything that he used to help out with, but also bringing in a significant raise. We also signed a new franchise deal at work which has greatly increased my workload and are about to sign another; these deals get us so much closer to success but also make my day-to-day so much more intense. My father retired officially last week, and now they are talking about selling the house and moving here. Two friends got pregnant and are moving away all in one fell swoop.
So much change all at once. Up and down, really great then really, really terrible. I am trying my best to take it all in, absorb it and feel it and then let it go, let it pass through me, but I can't process all of this so quickly. I need time. I need status quo. I need to go sit on a chair, stare at nothing, hear nothing, think about nothing, just sit and be and breathe, for a day at least, not five minutes, though I'm lucky to get five minutes. This is my five minutes today. In a minute, husband will be home wanting dinner, then we'll wash up, walk the dogs, fold some laundry, maybe watch one show, and head to bed. Tomorrow I'll be up at the crack of dawn again to start it all over.
I need a break but one isn't coming any time soon, especially with husband not able to take a day off. I need perspective. I am not my friend or my coworkers, and their situations are so much worse than anything going on for me. Husband will find help, work will ease up, my father and mother will figure it out on their own, and my friends will come visit. This can't last forever. No feeling is final.
Two weeks ago a friend's wife died in a car crash. Snap, just like that, she's gone, head first into a tree, leaving her husband and toddler son on their own. This past weekend a newlywed coworker tried to kill himself, downing two and a half bottles of assorted pills and running out into the woods at midnight. He was found wandering down the road early the next morning, disoriented, and is still in the hospital though no longer in ICU. Another coworker and good friend's wife had a stroke today, out of the blue. She's in her 40s. They say she'll be ok but she's in the ICU now too.
My husband's new promotion means he can't take a day off work until they find the replacement for his former positions, so he's working Monday through Saturday without a break, leaving me to run all errands and do everything that he used to help out with, but also bringing in a significant raise. We also signed a new franchise deal at work which has greatly increased my workload and are about to sign another; these deals get us so much closer to success but also make my day-to-day so much more intense. My father retired officially last week, and now they are talking about selling the house and moving here. Two friends got pregnant and are moving away all in one fell swoop.
So much change all at once. Up and down, really great then really, really terrible. I am trying my best to take it all in, absorb it and feel it and then let it go, let it pass through me, but I can't process all of this so quickly. I need time. I need status quo. I need to go sit on a chair, stare at nothing, hear nothing, think about nothing, just sit and be and breathe, for a day at least, not five minutes, though I'm lucky to get five minutes. This is my five minutes today. In a minute, husband will be home wanting dinner, then we'll wash up, walk the dogs, fold some laundry, maybe watch one show, and head to bed. Tomorrow I'll be up at the crack of dawn again to start it all over.
I need a break but one isn't coming any time soon, especially with husband not able to take a day off. I need perspective. I am not my friend or my coworkers, and their situations are so much worse than anything going on for me. Husband will find help, work will ease up, my father and mother will figure it out on their own, and my friends will come visit. This can't last forever. No feeling is final.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
who I am
I am mischaracterized entirely too often. Who is the real me? I guess I don't let many people know. My husband does; my parents do. My boss does. A couple coworkers, those that have taken the time, do. A couple close friends do as well. I am guarded otherwise, protecting my too-soft core from the pokes and prods I think I would feel if I didn't put up this wall. There's constant activity behind my blank stares. I'm thinking, analyzing my next word or move, calculating your motive, plotting my response.
It's not coldness, and it's not that I don't care. It takes me a while, sometimes, to come up with what I feel is an appropriate reaction. It takes a while, sometimes, for the actuality of a situation to settle on me, for my feelings to get into alignment about it. I over-analyze more than necessary, causing problems for myself by cherry-picking words into oblivion, losing their original and ultimate meaning somewhere in the fray. I have seen the damage reacting without thinking can cause, and I over correct. I need to let go, I suppose, but I have no idea how.
I do know some things. I am not passive aggressive. Aggressive, maybe, when I believe in something, but I'm never passive about my opinions. I am not a bitch. I am truthful, honest, sometimes to the point where it hurts, but it always comes from a place of caring; if I didn't care, I wouldn't bother in the first place. I am not an ice queen. I feel too much, I pull everything in. I let everything happen to me, beauty and terror, and it sticks to my soul. I am not a closed book. If you just try, I'll open up, but I'm not the kind to blurt out my innermost thoughts to people who haven't proven themselves to me. I am not black and white. There is an unlimited range inside me, the ability to flex and grow and change with the tides, as long as those tides work with me and not against me. I am me. I am wholly myself.
I am struggling against a couple coworkers. I say a couple and they are in fact a couple: they have started to date each other. We put out an "employee satisfaction" survey last month, and while there was a fair amount of criticism from everyone, most was constructive except for what we received from those two. Everything is wrong, from the way we run payroll to the way we discipline to the office lighting. We were told they were freshening up their resumes and hated coming to work. The surveys were supposed to be anonymous but neither did a good job camouflaging themselves in their answers. I, in particular, am a lazy passive aggressive bitch who gets off on making rules and coming down on people who don't follow them and on making people's lives miserable by not buying ashtrays or starting direct deposit.
I'm trying to get over it. They don't know me. The people here who know me know that when I discipline or call someone out, it's because I know in my heart they can do better, not just for me but for themselves and for this company. I believe in them. My ultimate goal is the health and success of this company and thus the success of everyone who works here. I do my best to watch our cash flow and maintain stability. I have to keep people in line because chaos here begets chaos for our customers, and we would fail in chaos. If we fail, we're all sunk, and then we wouldn't even have the luxury of our complaints. It would all be gone.
I carry this all with me, the worry of an entire company, and I do my best with it. So it hurts to be unjustly characterized. My boss talked to them about their attitude and thought he got through, explaining that I have a job to do and to give me a little grace. Maybe it worked for a while, but I don't feel like they will ever be able to fully come back into the fold. I have thought about talking to them myself, but I can't seem to come up with the right words. I go back and forth between wanting to scream and wanting to be understanding, so I have left it alone and continue to go about my business as I normally would. If they want to think of me as they do without trying to get to know the real me, it's their loss.
It's not coldness, and it's not that I don't care. It takes me a while, sometimes, to come up with what I feel is an appropriate reaction. It takes a while, sometimes, for the actuality of a situation to settle on me, for my feelings to get into alignment about it. I over-analyze more than necessary, causing problems for myself by cherry-picking words into oblivion, losing their original and ultimate meaning somewhere in the fray. I have seen the damage reacting without thinking can cause, and I over correct. I need to let go, I suppose, but I have no idea how.
I do know some things. I am not passive aggressive. Aggressive, maybe, when I believe in something, but I'm never passive about my opinions. I am not a bitch. I am truthful, honest, sometimes to the point where it hurts, but it always comes from a place of caring; if I didn't care, I wouldn't bother in the first place. I am not an ice queen. I feel too much, I pull everything in. I let everything happen to me, beauty and terror, and it sticks to my soul. I am not a closed book. If you just try, I'll open up, but I'm not the kind to blurt out my innermost thoughts to people who haven't proven themselves to me. I am not black and white. There is an unlimited range inside me, the ability to flex and grow and change with the tides, as long as those tides work with me and not against me. I am me. I am wholly myself.
I am struggling against a couple coworkers. I say a couple and they are in fact a couple: they have started to date each other. We put out an "employee satisfaction" survey last month, and while there was a fair amount of criticism from everyone, most was constructive except for what we received from those two. Everything is wrong, from the way we run payroll to the way we discipline to the office lighting. We were told they were freshening up their resumes and hated coming to work. The surveys were supposed to be anonymous but neither did a good job camouflaging themselves in their answers. I, in particular, am a lazy passive aggressive bitch who gets off on making rules and coming down on people who don't follow them and on making people's lives miserable by not buying ashtrays or starting direct deposit.
I'm trying to get over it. They don't know me. The people here who know me know that when I discipline or call someone out, it's because I know in my heart they can do better, not just for me but for themselves and for this company. I believe in them. My ultimate goal is the health and success of this company and thus the success of everyone who works here. I do my best to watch our cash flow and maintain stability. I have to keep people in line because chaos here begets chaos for our customers, and we would fail in chaos. If we fail, we're all sunk, and then we wouldn't even have the luxury of our complaints. It would all be gone.
I carry this all with me, the worry of an entire company, and I do my best with it. So it hurts to be unjustly characterized. My boss talked to them about their attitude and thought he got through, explaining that I have a job to do and to give me a little grace. Maybe it worked for a while, but I don't feel like they will ever be able to fully come back into the fold. I have thought about talking to them myself, but I can't seem to come up with the right words. I go back and forth between wanting to scream and wanting to be understanding, so I have left it alone and continue to go about my business as I normally would. If they want to think of me as they do without trying to get to know the real me, it's their loss.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Wow, look at me go
I now have my twitter feed here on my blog, over there on the right. Fun stuff. Maybe I'll start blogging some again too. I'm trying to reinsert the fun in my life. Been too stressed out lately with work. I found about 15 comedians on twitter to follow right away, and that's about all I've found on it so far. It's a confusing system, what with all the # and @ and re-tweets, etc. Honestly the only reason I started it was because of this phone call:
Dad: Hey punk, it's Dad
Me: Hey, what number are you calling from?
Dad: My new phone. It's one of these new-fangled touch screen ones so if my faces hangs up on you, I'm sorry.
Me: I don't think it will do that. So are you all set up on it? Can you check email and stuff too?
Dad: Nah, I didn't get any of that. I only got this phone because your mom wanted one and they were buy one, get one free.
Me: Oh, so can she check her facebook and stuff now?
Dad: Yeah, she's getting there. She gets texts now too.
Me: Well, welcome her to the 20th century for me. Can you text now too? It's so much easier.
Dad: Nah, didn't want that either. Guess you'll just have to pick up the phone and call me.
Me: There are worse things in the world....
I'm scared of being resistant and ignorant of new technologies. Things change so fast now, I can't imagine what the world will look like in 30 years when I'm my parents age. Someone asked me the other day what I thought was an appropriate age for a kid to get a cell phone or a facebook account. I don't know? When I was growing up, we didn't have that stuff. My parents had to worry about me dialing up on our AOL account and sending emails to my friends. Didn't have a cell til my senior year, and all it did was make calls on a black and white screen. Time flies, gotta keep up.
Dad: Hey punk, it's Dad
Me: Hey, what number are you calling from?
Dad: My new phone. It's one of these new-fangled touch screen ones so if my faces hangs up on you, I'm sorry.
Me: I don't think it will do that. So are you all set up on it? Can you check email and stuff too?
Dad: Nah, I didn't get any of that. I only got this phone because your mom wanted one and they were buy one, get one free.
Me: Oh, so can she check her facebook and stuff now?
Dad: Yeah, she's getting there. She gets texts now too.
Me: Well, welcome her to the 20th century for me. Can you text now too? It's so much easier.
Dad: Nah, didn't want that either. Guess you'll just have to pick up the phone and call me.
Me: There are worse things in the world....
I'm scared of being resistant and ignorant of new technologies. Things change so fast now, I can't imagine what the world will look like in 30 years when I'm my parents age. Someone asked me the other day what I thought was an appropriate age for a kid to get a cell phone or a facebook account. I don't know? When I was growing up, we didn't have that stuff. My parents had to worry about me dialing up on our AOL account and sending emails to my friends. Didn't have a cell til my senior year, and all it did was make calls on a black and white screen. Time flies, gotta keep up.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Twits or tweets or whatever they're called
So I decided a blog is too big for me. There is too much going on in my world to sit down and write 5 paragraphs musing on this and that. Three years ago was different; now if I get 140 characters to myself I feel blessed. I'm trying twitter. I say "trying" because at this point I'm only following 10 people, none of which I personally know, and I haven't actually tweeted anything. It feels pointless to tweet with no followers, but then how do people know you exist unless you tweet? That may be my first one right there.
Anyway, follow me if you want-- @scarlethue42.
Anyway, follow me if you want-- @scarlethue42.
Monday, March 28, 2011
interviews and Italy
Too much on my mind lately.
I'm struggling with motivating low-wage employees. Too much supervision and they push back or, worse, they turn off their brains and become zombies, passionless and sleepy, uncaring about either the customers or their problems since they have no room to be creative problem-solvers, and then complain behind my back. Too little supervision, and they act like children, watching you tube videos, shopping, generally wasting time, though they are much happier and more tuned-in when a customer calls. I have one employee who thrives either way because he's driven to do a good job no matter what job is given him. The others all seem to just want work to accommodate or, at the least, not bother them.
So obviously I've hired some folks I shouldn't have. I'm going through another round of interviews later this week, to see if I can find some more self-starter types, but I'm having trouble coming up with interview questions that will gauge this for me:
Describe a work-related goal you've recently set for yourself. What was the outcome?
Can you tell me three things you've done in the past year to improve yourself, either professionally or personally?
What is your first reaction when your manager assigns a task you think is impossible?
How would you react if I told you your interview so far was terrible?
I'm not sure if these will help or not, but I suppose asking is better than not asking. What I really want to do is just look them in the eye and say, "Look, what I need are people who are going to come in here, work hard, not bitch about stupid stuff, but put their nose to the grindstone and try. I don't need lallygaggers or time-wasters or people who want to just fade into the background, get a steady paycheck, and not try to rock the boat. I want you to rock the boat, I want you to be a leader. Can you do that? If you can't, I will know in the first month and I will let you go, so you might as well tell me the truth now." I want to scare them into knowing that this job isn't for everyone, so if you're not ready to fight and fight hard, look elsewhere. But in reality, most people would just tell me what I want to hear anyway, hence the trickery in the questions instead of the outright truth.
How would you do in this interview? Would you squirm under the pressure of those questions? What if I told you the dirty truth about what I really need, would you come clean or would you placate me? I suppose it depends on how badly you need the job.
*****
We will be leaving for Italy in two weeks, for two weeks. I would be more excited except that we just got hit with about $2000 of unexpected expenses this week. First, my brakes finally got to the point of no return, and replacing those was not cheap. Then we discovered that my former bookkeeper screwed up my withholding all last year, so we owed a lot to the federal government. When we returned from our accountant's office, our garage door refused to go up-- the rotten cherry on top. While we have enough in savings to cover all that and still pay for the trip, it makes me uncomfortable. The extra padding is gone now. That's life, though, isn't it.
I don't think it's totally sunk in yet that we're going. Every time I see a friend lately that I haven't seen in a week or two, I get asked, "Aren't you getting so excited?" and yes, I am, but I'd classify it more as nervous and anxious than excited. I'm worried I haven't planned enough, I'm worried that we won't understand something or we'll get lost or confused or taken advantage of somehow, I'm worried there will be a problem with our hotel or with getting on the trains or buses, I'm worried about flying and getting to carry on all our stuff or if they'll make us check, I'm worried about the food and getting sick and not understanding everything.
But we survived London for a year, Paris for several days, Mexico for several days. It's not like we've never been anywhere or done anything. This just feels different for some reason. We will be alone, that's why. No friends or anyone to turn to if/when in need. Last time we were like that was the first month of our marriage, the first month in London, when we knew no one and understood nothing, had no money, struggled every day just to figure out what we were doing and survive. It made us so strong as a couple, to have survived that, but I still label it as the worst month of my life. I have to remind myself that Italy will not be like that. I will not be finding apartments or buying furniture or opening bank accounts. All I need is someone to point me in the direction of the nearest museum and the nearest bar, and I'll be just fine.
I'm struggling with motivating low-wage employees. Too much supervision and they push back or, worse, they turn off their brains and become zombies, passionless and sleepy, uncaring about either the customers or their problems since they have no room to be creative problem-solvers, and then complain behind my back. Too little supervision, and they act like children, watching you tube videos, shopping, generally wasting time, though they are much happier and more tuned-in when a customer calls. I have one employee who thrives either way because he's driven to do a good job no matter what job is given him. The others all seem to just want work to accommodate or, at the least, not bother them.
So obviously I've hired some folks I shouldn't have. I'm going through another round of interviews later this week, to see if I can find some more self-starter types, but I'm having trouble coming up with interview questions that will gauge this for me:
Describe a work-related goal you've recently set for yourself. What was the outcome?
Can you tell me three things you've done in the past year to improve yourself, either professionally or personally?
What is your first reaction when your manager assigns a task you think is impossible?
How would you react if I told you your interview so far was terrible?
I'm not sure if these will help or not, but I suppose asking is better than not asking. What I really want to do is just look them in the eye and say, "Look, what I need are people who are going to come in here, work hard, not bitch about stupid stuff, but put their nose to the grindstone and try. I don't need lallygaggers or time-wasters or people who want to just fade into the background, get a steady paycheck, and not try to rock the boat. I want you to rock the boat, I want you to be a leader. Can you do that? If you can't, I will know in the first month and I will let you go, so you might as well tell me the truth now." I want to scare them into knowing that this job isn't for everyone, so if you're not ready to fight and fight hard, look elsewhere. But in reality, most people would just tell me what I want to hear anyway, hence the trickery in the questions instead of the outright truth.
How would you do in this interview? Would you squirm under the pressure of those questions? What if I told you the dirty truth about what I really need, would you come clean or would you placate me? I suppose it depends on how badly you need the job.
*****
We will be leaving for Italy in two weeks, for two weeks. I would be more excited except that we just got hit with about $2000 of unexpected expenses this week. First, my brakes finally got to the point of no return, and replacing those was not cheap. Then we discovered that my former bookkeeper screwed up my withholding all last year, so we owed a lot to the federal government. When we returned from our accountant's office, our garage door refused to go up-- the rotten cherry on top. While we have enough in savings to cover all that and still pay for the trip, it makes me uncomfortable. The extra padding is gone now. That's life, though, isn't it.
I don't think it's totally sunk in yet that we're going. Every time I see a friend lately that I haven't seen in a week or two, I get asked, "Aren't you getting so excited?" and yes, I am, but I'd classify it more as nervous and anxious than excited. I'm worried I haven't planned enough, I'm worried that we won't understand something or we'll get lost or confused or taken advantage of somehow, I'm worried there will be a problem with our hotel or with getting on the trains or buses, I'm worried about flying and getting to carry on all our stuff or if they'll make us check, I'm worried about the food and getting sick and not understanding everything.
But we survived London for a year, Paris for several days, Mexico for several days. It's not like we've never been anywhere or done anything. This just feels different for some reason. We will be alone, that's why. No friends or anyone to turn to if/when in need. Last time we were like that was the first month of our marriage, the first month in London, when we knew no one and understood nothing, had no money, struggled every day just to figure out what we were doing and survive. It made us so strong as a couple, to have survived that, but I still label it as the worst month of my life. I have to remind myself that Italy will not be like that. I will not be finding apartments or buying furniture or opening bank accounts. All I need is someone to point me in the direction of the nearest museum and the nearest bar, and I'll be just fine.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
minimum wage, minimum motivation -- dream analysis
I try to remember what it was like to make minimum wage. I held several jobs throughout school and after where I was paid the legal minimum, including a video rental store. The motto there was "If you can lean, you can clean," meaning that no one was allowed to lean (or, God forbid, sit) on the counter, even at 10 a.m. when no one was in the store. You had to keep yourself busy; if all you could find to do was cleaning, you did it. We got around it every now and then, devising games of finding the spots where the cameras couldn't see you and taking a break there, or seeing who could count their change the fastest and most accurately, etc.-- it was a boring place sometimes. But usually we kept to the motto.
It's stuck with me over the years, too. Later on, when I changed employment but had only bumped myself up a dollar or two in pay, I realized that the days I kept busy and actually accomplished something were so much more rewarding and less boring than the days where I did a crossword puzzle or played Pop It all day. Unfortunately one of those years was at a university, and when you work for a big state-run facility where no one cares and is just trying to skate by unnoticed, doing extra work is sometimes frowned upon. I didn't do well in that environment.
That's why I do so well here. If nothing else, I am industrious. Sure, I have days where I am more idle than others, where I may read a news article or two to break up the otherwise busy day, where I may take twenty minutes and write a blog post like this one. But for the most part, I stay busy, even if busy means just reading chat logs from our call center to make sure they're doing a good job. When I get home, that's when I'm lazy (just ask my husband), but no one accuses me of being a sloth at work.
So I guess that's why I get so frustrated with our call center workers. They make between $8 and $10 an hour on average, but they act like we're paying them in peanuts. Peanuts they don't even want. I walked by earlier, and one had his feet up on his desk, literally twiddling his thumbs. I sit with my feet up a lot, too, but my fingers are always crazy dancing over this keyboard, my right hand swinging the mouse around, my shoulder holding the phone to my ear. I'm struggling trying to do my work and also find things to keep them busy. I need them to keep themselves busy, so I'm trying to motivate them to do so, but something is missing. Maybe I just need a big poster-- IF YOU CAN LEAN, YOU CAN CLEAN-- in bold letters right over their desks. Sure it doesn't really apply here as I don't them them to clean, just actively reach out to customers or troubleshoot some issues. But the message gets across. I guess I'm not doing a good job hiring leaders either. I wish I could put my finger on the resolution.
------
I had a weird dream last night. I wish I could remember more of it now; my dreams fade so quickly. In high school, my best friend was a guy. Actually he was my friend starting in 7th grade. He went away to boarding school, but we kept in touch while he was gone, and he came back in 11th. I always wanted more from him, and I still consider him my first love though nothing was ever acted upon. He has never confirmed it to me, but I think he may be gay. He doesn't have girlfriends, and he just sometimes gives off an air of... difference. His parents are very conservative, and we came from a very gossip-prone town, so I don't blame him for keeping it quiet if it's true. I talk to him now once every six months or so, and we always seem to pick up like we were never apart. That's true for all my best friends. It must be some sort of subconscious requirement I place on anyone labeled a "best" for me, that ability to pick up where we left off no matter the time that has past, because it's true of the four that I have.
I digress. I dream about him a lot. Last night I know we were walking in a garden, we were young again, I could tell by the way we looked, and we were holding hands. It wasn't a romantic dream, though, more like we had just been apart for a while and were so happy to see each other. We went swimming-- I remember my red two-piece suit, but when we came up from the water, he wasn't my friend anymore, he was my ex-boyfriend.
My high school/early college boyfriend drove me and my friend apart. He and my friend did not get along, enemies from boarding school, and when the boyfriend came around, the friend took a backseat. I shouldn't have let it happen, but I was a kid, a mess up kid, a messed up kid in what I thought was love but really turns out was probably only pity and commiseration. We never were able to get back to what we were, even after the ex was out of the picture, because we had both moved off to college and started our own lives. But he has somehow wedged himself into my subconscious. I hear that sometimes people have strong dreams like this about loved ones who have died, and every time I have a dream about him, they are strong and lifelike, and I worry about him. I told him one time that I dream about him, and he said he dreams about me too, so I guess we're just somehow linked in that way.
I wasn't unhappy to see my ex in the dream, but I did feel a loss that it was no longer my friend. The ex and I did not end on good terms. We dated four years, the last year was made up mostly of fighting and me trying to cut him loose. He was suicidal and depressed, and I was always afraid he'd jump off the deep end, but I finally decided I had to take care of myself. It took me too long to come to that conclusion, looking back. But in the end, those decisions led me to my husband, and that's all that matters now.
When I got to work this morning, I realized it's my ex's birthday today. I wonder if this all wasn't my subconscious playing with me. I get updates on him from time to time-- he still lives in my hometown and waits tables at a restaurant my parents go to often. Mom says she always makes him speak to her even though she can tell he'd rather avoid them. They thank goodness every day I didn't end up with him. I do too. The only part of our relationship I regret, though, is losing touch with my friend over it. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me to reach out to him again.
It's stuck with me over the years, too. Later on, when I changed employment but had only bumped myself up a dollar or two in pay, I realized that the days I kept busy and actually accomplished something were so much more rewarding and less boring than the days where I did a crossword puzzle or played Pop It all day. Unfortunately one of those years was at a university, and when you work for a big state-run facility where no one cares and is just trying to skate by unnoticed, doing extra work is sometimes frowned upon. I didn't do well in that environment.
That's why I do so well here. If nothing else, I am industrious. Sure, I have days where I am more idle than others, where I may read a news article or two to break up the otherwise busy day, where I may take twenty minutes and write a blog post like this one. But for the most part, I stay busy, even if busy means just reading chat logs from our call center to make sure they're doing a good job. When I get home, that's when I'm lazy (just ask my husband), but no one accuses me of being a sloth at work.
So I guess that's why I get so frustrated with our call center workers. They make between $8 and $10 an hour on average, but they act like we're paying them in peanuts. Peanuts they don't even want. I walked by earlier, and one had his feet up on his desk, literally twiddling his thumbs. I sit with my feet up a lot, too, but my fingers are always crazy dancing over this keyboard, my right hand swinging the mouse around, my shoulder holding the phone to my ear. I'm struggling trying to do my work and also find things to keep them busy. I need them to keep themselves busy, so I'm trying to motivate them to do so, but something is missing. Maybe I just need a big poster-- IF YOU CAN LEAN, YOU CAN CLEAN-- in bold letters right over their desks. Sure it doesn't really apply here as I don't them them to clean, just actively reach out to customers or troubleshoot some issues. But the message gets across. I guess I'm not doing a good job hiring leaders either. I wish I could put my finger on the resolution.
------
I had a weird dream last night. I wish I could remember more of it now; my dreams fade so quickly. In high school, my best friend was a guy. Actually he was my friend starting in 7th grade. He went away to boarding school, but we kept in touch while he was gone, and he came back in 11th. I always wanted more from him, and I still consider him my first love though nothing was ever acted upon. He has never confirmed it to me, but I think he may be gay. He doesn't have girlfriends, and he just sometimes gives off an air of... difference. His parents are very conservative, and we came from a very gossip-prone town, so I don't blame him for keeping it quiet if it's true. I talk to him now once every six months or so, and we always seem to pick up like we were never apart. That's true for all my best friends. It must be some sort of subconscious requirement I place on anyone labeled a "best" for me, that ability to pick up where we left off no matter the time that has past, because it's true of the four that I have.
I digress. I dream about him a lot. Last night I know we were walking in a garden, we were young again, I could tell by the way we looked, and we were holding hands. It wasn't a romantic dream, though, more like we had just been apart for a while and were so happy to see each other. We went swimming-- I remember my red two-piece suit, but when we came up from the water, he wasn't my friend anymore, he was my ex-boyfriend.
My high school/early college boyfriend drove me and my friend apart. He and my friend did not get along, enemies from boarding school, and when the boyfriend came around, the friend took a backseat. I shouldn't have let it happen, but I was a kid, a mess up kid, a messed up kid in what I thought was love but really turns out was probably only pity and commiseration. We never were able to get back to what we were, even after the ex was out of the picture, because we had both moved off to college and started our own lives. But he has somehow wedged himself into my subconscious. I hear that sometimes people have strong dreams like this about loved ones who have died, and every time I have a dream about him, they are strong and lifelike, and I worry about him. I told him one time that I dream about him, and he said he dreams about me too, so I guess we're just somehow linked in that way.
I wasn't unhappy to see my ex in the dream, but I did feel a loss that it was no longer my friend. The ex and I did not end on good terms. We dated four years, the last year was made up mostly of fighting and me trying to cut him loose. He was suicidal and depressed, and I was always afraid he'd jump off the deep end, but I finally decided I had to take care of myself. It took me too long to come to that conclusion, looking back. But in the end, those decisions led me to my husband, and that's all that matters now.
When I got to work this morning, I realized it's my ex's birthday today. I wonder if this all wasn't my subconscious playing with me. I get updates on him from time to time-- he still lives in my hometown and waits tables at a restaurant my parents go to often. Mom says she always makes him speak to her even though she can tell he'd rather avoid them. They thank goodness every day I didn't end up with him. I do too. The only part of our relationship I regret, though, is losing touch with my friend over it. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me to reach out to him again.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
clique mongering
I have to get this out of my head.
One day last week, I had a disciplinary conversation with an employee. Her performance has dropped off, she's spending too much time talking about non-work happenings at work, especially with a newer hire who has become a close friend, and her attitude has slipped far into a negative space. According to her, she feels unappreciated because she hasn't had a raise in a year while others are getting raises. As I explained, the people who are getting raises are minimum wage workers. She's on a much higher salary already. Finances are too tight. Then she said she thought (and others in her department think too, by the way) that there's a clique that she can't break into. I asked her to name the people in the click, and the people she named were the first 6 employees of the company.
The whole thing just leaves me so frustrated. I found out today they have a name for us, the order of protection, and they talk about it like it's an actual thing that we planned out and are perpetrating on purpose. Like we want to exclude people and make decisions that only benefit us. Like we're blind to everything else going on. The funny thing is, two of those six I hardly even talk to anymore, and one of them is on my permanent shit list until she starts acting like an adult and not a child who thinks she can come and go any time she wants and make all the trouble she wants just because she was employee #2. Of course no one outside of management knows about this. Why would I spread my disdain for her actions around? To everyone else, it must look like business as usual. I thought that would be the best way to continue.
Good grief, I'm only human. I'm trying to make the best decisions I can for the company as a whole, and I advise our management team to do the same. The management team is made up of a completely different group of 5 people, only my boss and I seem to be in both "groups." When we see potential in someone, we recognize it and give them a promotion. I guess this employee and her cronies are pissed because we don't recognize any of them as stellar performers? But they haven't done anything to deserve it. One of them does really good work, actually, and will be moving to a new department soon, but she's also a gossip so I'm not surprised at her new alignment. They all sit together, which will soon be put to an end, but even with that done, they still can talk on skype.
This negativity seems to be infiltrating this department, a department I happen to be responsible for managing, and I'm getting fed up. I don't know how to stop it. It's three girls and two guys in the department, though one of the guys is too new to be involved. The three girls have ganged up on the one guy, and the guy happens to be the one who is doing the best and the one that we're promoting most quickly. Chicken or the egg-- are they mean to him because he's doing good work and making them look lazy? Or do we just think he's doing better work and also feel sorry for him because he's somehow managed to stay out of this clique who is picking on him? Either way, the clique is not helping.
They accuse us of having a clique, but I would argue it's the other way around. My initial reaction is to shake them, ask them why in the world they think we would do things and make decisions that aren't in the best interest of the company. Maybe it's because they don't care about the company, maybe they only care about their own little worlds. I'm tired of babysitting them, though-- when an email or a phone call comes in, it's like I'm a mother hen pecking at them until one of them finally, reluctantly, picks it up. Just DO YOUR WORK. That's all I want. Maybe if you spent less time gossiping on skype about how much you hate that your coworker is getting promoted, even if you think it's unjust, and about how much you don't like things that are going on, maybe if you spent more time actually doing real work you would be the one getting promoted to a position where you could change the things you don't like instead. I need an attitude change around here, quick.
One day last week, I had a disciplinary conversation with an employee. Her performance has dropped off, she's spending too much time talking about non-work happenings at work, especially with a newer hire who has become a close friend, and her attitude has slipped far into a negative space. According to her, she feels unappreciated because she hasn't had a raise in a year while others are getting raises. As I explained, the people who are getting raises are minimum wage workers. She's on a much higher salary already. Finances are too tight. Then she said she thought (and others in her department think too, by the way) that there's a clique that she can't break into. I asked her to name the people in the click, and the people she named were the first 6 employees of the company.
The whole thing just leaves me so frustrated. I found out today they have a name for us, the order of protection, and they talk about it like it's an actual thing that we planned out and are perpetrating on purpose. Like we want to exclude people and make decisions that only benefit us. Like we're blind to everything else going on. The funny thing is, two of those six I hardly even talk to anymore, and one of them is on my permanent shit list until she starts acting like an adult and not a child who thinks she can come and go any time she wants and make all the trouble she wants just because she was employee #2. Of course no one outside of management knows about this. Why would I spread my disdain for her actions around? To everyone else, it must look like business as usual. I thought that would be the best way to continue.
Good grief, I'm only human. I'm trying to make the best decisions I can for the company as a whole, and I advise our management team to do the same. The management team is made up of a completely different group of 5 people, only my boss and I seem to be in both "groups." When we see potential in someone, we recognize it and give them a promotion. I guess this employee and her cronies are pissed because we don't recognize any of them as stellar performers? But they haven't done anything to deserve it. One of them does really good work, actually, and will be moving to a new department soon, but she's also a gossip so I'm not surprised at her new alignment. They all sit together, which will soon be put to an end, but even with that done, they still can talk on skype.
This negativity seems to be infiltrating this department, a department I happen to be responsible for managing, and I'm getting fed up. I don't know how to stop it. It's three girls and two guys in the department, though one of the guys is too new to be involved. The three girls have ganged up on the one guy, and the guy happens to be the one who is doing the best and the one that we're promoting most quickly. Chicken or the egg-- are they mean to him because he's doing good work and making them look lazy? Or do we just think he's doing better work and also feel sorry for him because he's somehow managed to stay out of this clique who is picking on him? Either way, the clique is not helping.
They accuse us of having a clique, but I would argue it's the other way around. My initial reaction is to shake them, ask them why in the world they think we would do things and make decisions that aren't in the best interest of the company. Maybe it's because they don't care about the company, maybe they only care about their own little worlds. I'm tired of babysitting them, though-- when an email or a phone call comes in, it's like I'm a mother hen pecking at them until one of them finally, reluctantly, picks it up. Just DO YOUR WORK. That's all I want. Maybe if you spent less time gossiping on skype about how much you hate that your coworker is getting promoted, even if you think it's unjust, and about how much you don't like things that are going on, maybe if you spent more time actually doing real work you would be the one getting promoted to a position where you could change the things you don't like instead. I need an attitude change around here, quick.
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