chaos

There is chaos all around me lately. I started to say "I feel like there is chaos," but no, there definitely is; it's not just a feeling. I'm beginning to wonder if it's some world-wide trend, that the summer of 2011 has been particularly insane for everyone, and if it's a sign of the end of the world or the world as we know it, because it just keeps coming, relentlessly.

Two weeks ago a friend's wife died in a car crash. Snap, just like that, she's gone, head first into a tree, leaving her husband and toddler son on their own. This past weekend a newlywed coworker tried to kill himself, downing two and a half bottles of assorted pills and running out into the woods at midnight. He was found wandering down the road early the next morning, disoriented, and is still in the hospital though no longer in ICU. Another coworker and good friend's wife had a stroke today, out of the blue. She's in her 40s. They say she'll be ok but she's in the ICU now too.

My husband's new promotion means he can't take a day off work until they find the replacement for his former positions, so he's working Monday through Saturday without a break, leaving me to run all errands and do everything that he used to help out with, but also bringing in a significant raise. We also signed a new franchise deal at work which has greatly increased my workload and are about to sign another; these deals get us so much closer to success but also make my day-to-day so much more intense. My father retired officially last week, and now they are talking about selling the house and moving here. Two friends got pregnant and are moving away all in one fell swoop.

So much change all at once. Up and down, really great then really, really terrible. I am trying my best to take it all in, absorb it and feel it and then let it go, let it pass through me, but I can't process all of this so quickly. I need time. I need status quo. I need to go sit on a chair, stare at nothing, hear nothing, think about nothing, just sit and be and breathe, for a day at least, not five minutes, though I'm lucky to get five minutes. This is my five minutes today. In a minute, husband will be home wanting dinner, then we'll wash up, walk the dogs, fold some laundry, maybe watch one show, and head to bed. Tomorrow I'll be up at the crack of dawn again to start it all over.

I need a break but one isn't coming any time soon, especially with husband not able to take a day off. I need perspective. I am not my friend or my coworkers, and their situations are so much worse than anything going on for me. Husband will find help, work will ease up, my father and mother will figure it out on their own, and my friends will come visit. This can't last forever. No feeling is final.