random dusty thoughts

I'm hibernating. I'm walking and talking but I'm not really here. My mind is snuggled in my warm green and brown quilt at home, resting my weary neck on my contour memory foam pillow, Bub spooning in the crook of my knees.

Things have been quiet around here lately, both in the real world and on my blog. It's given me time to think, to analyze the purpose of me being here, other than just an activity to keep me awake early in the morning when my boss is on the phone and I have nothing to do but wait for that call to end. I started this blog because my mind was beginning to become engulfed in cobwebs, the lost thoughts and feelings sticking together and forming long, delicate, dusty trails which if followed led to a deeper dark yet to be explored. Time to explore, I thought.

I'm trying hard to be my true, authentic self. People don't understand me, don't understand the depth of my feelings and the reason for my words and actions. The true me is foreign to most people, my quiet ways and sudden truthful outbursts unsettling. But I know no other way of being, even though I've tried on so many personalities over the years. I wasn't the quiet, smart, shy girl I tried to be in high school-- no, there's too much spit and fire implanted in me by my great-grandmother. I'm not the crazed, grass-roots, feminist protester I tried on in college. It was too much work and didn't allow for the quietness I crave. I'm somewhere in between, but it's hard to find a medium. Don't get me wrong: I'm liked, I have friends, I'm even sought out on occasion. But I don't have an abundance, I have two. My husband and my best friend. I find it hard to give myself to anyone else because there's so much of me that I don't even understand, I don't trust anyone else with it either.

Before I married, before I even met my husband, I wondered if I was living my life right. As if there is a right way. I still wonder that sometimes but not as much anymore. The speed at which days fly by now takes my breath away; by the time I notice a moment is happening, it's gone. There's not enough time to wonder anymore, I just have to live. I'm jealous of people who somehow have managed to dedicate their lives to their beliefs, like life-long environmentalists working every day for the health of our planet, or a doctor without a border. I don't have that in me. I feel tired, like somehow I've done that before and this time around I just want some peace and quiet. All I have the energy for in this life is loving my husband and seeing the world and maybe saving some animals along the way. 

These are just some ramblings from a tired girl on an early Friday morning. By Friday afternoon I'll probably be a different person with different thoughts, following a different cobweb trail.