Taking a break for a while, not feeling the blog thing lately. Too many things spinning in my head and not enough time or energy to run one down, grab it, and type it up in this box.
I have a doctor's appointment Monday, I think my hormones are screwed up lately. Tired a lot, hypoglycemic, low motivation. I thought it was stress for a while, but I'm happy and relaxed, just not "myself," even after making my diet healthier and forcing more sleep into my schedule.
Other than that, things are good here, so don't fret about me. I just need to stop thinking for a little while, let some of this spring sunshine filter in through my scalp and shine light on the dusty, cobwebbed parts of my brain so I can sweep them clean. I'll be back when I'm all shiny and new.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I will not be undone
Please read this post from this past December.
I did not speak to my little brother for nearly 5 months. He sent me a facebook message not long after this incident, saying that all he wanted to do was prove to me that he was a grown man. My reply was short, indicating that I would only pursue further communication with him when he could actually prove that to me. It's been silent since then, not a call or text or even facebook poke.
I've been fine. Sure, there's a deep hurt there. If you look for it, you'll see the pain wash over my eyes when he's brought up in conversation, but just as quickly it's gone. I've let it go. I've known for a long time that I can't save him or make him grow up or calm down. The only thing I can control is me and my reaction to him, and I've chosen to make my reactions calm and reasonable if and when he does contact me. But I'm not perfect, and I do have a breaking point, as our last encounter in December proved, so I don't initiate. I don't want to. To do so only invites his all-encompassing drama into my life. If he can call me and speak to me like a normal person, I will talk back, but until he proves to me that he's changed, why should I trust him? Why should I go out of my way? I don't care that he's blood. Toxic is toxic.
He called me on my birthday. I wasn't surprised, and it wasn't a terribly strained conversation. He asked me how I was, I told him, and I asked him how he was. He spent the next three minutes talking about himself, his band, his weekend. I (very politely) told him it was nice talking to him, but I had to go as we were walking into the restaurant for dinner. Late that night he texted me saying he wished we talked more. I didn't text back. Because I don't share the feeling.
Today, 6 days later, he posted this message on my facebook wall:
i love our long loving conversations and how we try and return each others calls and text messages. it makes me so happy that we can be so close... and yet so far away. your loving little brother.
I will not be undone by this.
I haven't decided whether or not I will respond, much less what I would say if I did. My initial reaction was to delete it and send him a message calling him a jackass. Then I thought I would compose a thoughtful response full of sisterly advice. But now I think I'll just ignore him. It's easier.
Because it's easier, I worry that I'm taking the easy way out. That I should try, keep trying, keep pushing for him to change. I'm so tired. I've physically and mentally had enough-- my father has depression, my older brother has depression, and my little brother must be manic depressive. I've fought this my whole 28 years on earth, and I don't believe he's worth saving anymore. That's what's so upsetting about this-- I feel myself giving up. And I don't even have enough strength to care that I'm giving up.
I did not speak to my little brother for nearly 5 months. He sent me a facebook message not long after this incident, saying that all he wanted to do was prove to me that he was a grown man. My reply was short, indicating that I would only pursue further communication with him when he could actually prove that to me. It's been silent since then, not a call or text or even facebook poke.
I've been fine. Sure, there's a deep hurt there. If you look for it, you'll see the pain wash over my eyes when he's brought up in conversation, but just as quickly it's gone. I've let it go. I've known for a long time that I can't save him or make him grow up or calm down. The only thing I can control is me and my reaction to him, and I've chosen to make my reactions calm and reasonable if and when he does contact me. But I'm not perfect, and I do have a breaking point, as our last encounter in December proved, so I don't initiate. I don't want to. To do so only invites his all-encompassing drama into my life. If he can call me and speak to me like a normal person, I will talk back, but until he proves to me that he's changed, why should I trust him? Why should I go out of my way? I don't care that he's blood. Toxic is toxic.
He called me on my birthday. I wasn't surprised, and it wasn't a terribly strained conversation. He asked me how I was, I told him, and I asked him how he was. He spent the next three minutes talking about himself, his band, his weekend. I (very politely) told him it was nice talking to him, but I had to go as we were walking into the restaurant for dinner. Late that night he texted me saying he wished we talked more. I didn't text back. Because I don't share the feeling.
Today, 6 days later, he posted this message on my facebook wall:
i love our long loving conversations and how we try and return each others calls and text messages. it makes me so happy that we can be so close... and yet so far away. your loving little brother.
I will not be undone by this.
I haven't decided whether or not I will respond, much less what I would say if I did. My initial reaction was to delete it and send him a message calling him a jackass. Then I thought I would compose a thoughtful response full of sisterly advice. But now I think I'll just ignore him. It's easier.
Because it's easier, I worry that I'm taking the easy way out. That I should try, keep trying, keep pushing for him to change. I'm so tired. I've physically and mentally had enough-- my father has depression, my older brother has depression, and my little brother must be manic depressive. I've fought this my whole 28 years on earth, and I don't believe he's worth saving anymore. That's what's so upsetting about this-- I feel myself giving up. And I don't even have enough strength to care that I'm giving up.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Grateful Thursday, one year older
I'm now officially 28. Not too sure how I feel about that. I know anyone out there reading this who's older than me is thinking "what a young'n to be worrying about her age." But I find myself having passed another year entirely too quickly, with 30 sneaking up on me, remembering what it was like to be 18 and thinking about how old 28 is, and now I'm here, in the blink of an eye. Which only leads me to thinking I'll be 38 and then 48, etc., before I know it too. But I can't stop it, so I might as well embrace the things that are good about getting older and that make it easier. Hence my grateful list for the day.
1) Friends-- good, true friends, who know who I am and love me for it. When I was younger and unsure of myself, always second guessing my personality, it was hard to make and keep true friends, the kind that stick with you over the years. But yesterday getting calls and emails from friends far away, and then looking around the dinner table last night, I felt a sense of warmth that these people love me and wanted to celebrate with me-- not because they felt some requirement or because their moms drove them there and pushed them through the door or because there would be booze served, but because they wanted to. And I love each of them just as much and am grateful for having all of them in my life.
2) My husband, who makes getting older fun. We joke about how we're already an old married couple and talk to each other like we're 75. Driving around town yesterday, he was taking me to get my haircut, and I pointed in the direction of his next turn to remind him-- something I just do subconsciously because he misses turns sometimes. He looked at me and said "Woman, I've lived here 32 years, I know where I'm going." And we both laughed because he sounded like a little old man with a cane talking to his gray-haired wife. He took me to lunch, got me a cake, two presents, and then organized a dinner for me last night that was so special. He takes such good care of me and I wouldn't trade him for anything, not even eternal youth.
3) My job. Even though it's stressful some days (as I was leaving the house this morning, the last thing I told my husband was that it is a "kicking ass and taking names day" because of something that got messed up yesterday), I'm grateful for my awesome coworkers, who got me cupcakes, for my boss, who sent me the sweetest email last night, and for having a job that I don't dread coming to every day where I'm sincerely respected, appreciated, and liked.
4) Finding wisdom and courage as I age. I touched on this earlier, but this alone is enough to make me grateful for getting older. With every day that passes, I feel like I become more of myself, more sure of who I am, and more able to trust my instincts and inner voice. This gives me more confidence to stand up for myself and what I believe in, but it also allows me to find grace when I have been wrong about something and the knowledge to realize when it's time to back down or step aside.
5) Life. Just life in general. I got teary on the way home from dinner last night thinking about all the ways in which I'm blessed, from my house, to my dog, to my parents, my husband, my friends, my coworkers, my intelligence... even making it to 28 and actually truly liking who I am is something for which to be grateful. No matter what goes wrong, the core of who I am and what I want my life to be can't be shaken, because I know life isn't about living through a series of events and surviving, but about making sure my reactions to these events lead me to the outcome that I want, and that I always remain positive in the face of negativity, worry, and despair. Every day I live and breathe in this life is a blessing to me, and all I can hope for is that everyone else finds the inner peace that this realization brings.
1) Friends-- good, true friends, who know who I am and love me for it. When I was younger and unsure of myself, always second guessing my personality, it was hard to make and keep true friends, the kind that stick with you over the years. But yesterday getting calls and emails from friends far away, and then looking around the dinner table last night, I felt a sense of warmth that these people love me and wanted to celebrate with me-- not because they felt some requirement or because their moms drove them there and pushed them through the door or because there would be booze served, but because they wanted to. And I love each of them just as much and am grateful for having all of them in my life.
2) My husband, who makes getting older fun. We joke about how we're already an old married couple and talk to each other like we're 75. Driving around town yesterday, he was taking me to get my haircut, and I pointed in the direction of his next turn to remind him-- something I just do subconsciously because he misses turns sometimes. He looked at me and said "Woman, I've lived here 32 years, I know where I'm going." And we both laughed because he sounded like a little old man with a cane talking to his gray-haired wife. He took me to lunch, got me a cake, two presents, and then organized a dinner for me last night that was so special. He takes such good care of me and I wouldn't trade him for anything, not even eternal youth.
3) My job. Even though it's stressful some days (as I was leaving the house this morning, the last thing I told my husband was that it is a "kicking ass and taking names day" because of something that got messed up yesterday), I'm grateful for my awesome coworkers, who got me cupcakes, for my boss, who sent me the sweetest email last night, and for having a job that I don't dread coming to every day where I'm sincerely respected, appreciated, and liked.
4) Finding wisdom and courage as I age. I touched on this earlier, but this alone is enough to make me grateful for getting older. With every day that passes, I feel like I become more of myself, more sure of who I am, and more able to trust my instincts and inner voice. This gives me more confidence to stand up for myself and what I believe in, but it also allows me to find grace when I have been wrong about something and the knowledge to realize when it's time to back down or step aside.
5) Life. Just life in general. I got teary on the way home from dinner last night thinking about all the ways in which I'm blessed, from my house, to my dog, to my parents, my husband, my friends, my coworkers, my intelligence... even making it to 28 and actually truly liking who I am is something for which to be grateful. No matter what goes wrong, the core of who I am and what I want my life to be can't be shaken, because I know life isn't about living through a series of events and surviving, but about making sure my reactions to these events lead me to the outcome that I want, and that I always remain positive in the face of negativity, worry, and despair. Every day I live and breathe in this life is a blessing to me, and all I can hope for is that everyone else finds the inner peace that this realization brings.
Friday, April 30, 2010
so what if it's Friday... I'm still Grateful
So I missed Thursday. I'm not sure where it went. I'm sure it existed, at some point in some place, because sure enough it's Friday now and not perpetually Wednesday. But I don't remember it passing-- it must have whizzed by me like an 8-year-old boy on a ten speed bike on a sunny April afternoon.
Yes, here we are at Friday. I woke up in a very grateful mood. First thought that crossed my mind as my eyes opened to face my ceiling and my spinning fan? Friday.... It's gone pretty swiftly downhill since then. I couldn't make up my mind what to take for lunch and was a bit late for work. Emily has been depressing all day. She even slammed her phone down at one point. Usually this kind of thing wouldn't bother me, but she's directly across the hall from me, so I see her and her poutyness every time I glance up from this screen.
She left early. I told her to go home. We're going to get margaritas tomorrow night probably, and she'll be back to her old self. She just needed a break. I emailed Gary and told him if they didn't work out their communication issues I was going to kill both of them. Strangulation, in case he was interested.
But anyway...
1) Friday...
2) A response to my email to Gary, already. Wasn't what I wanted him to say, but at least it was a response.
3) I don't have to think about work for two days. I don't have to think about anything for two days. I have no plans and I love that I have no plans.
4) Rain, to wash away the pollen, grow my vegetables, make my flowers stand tall, and make the earth greener.
5) My birthday coming up next week and people to celebrate with. In sharp contrast to last year, when everyone was too busy, this year we had to make reservations for 12, and at one of my favorite restaurants on their tapas night, no less. It makes me feel very, very blessed.
Yes, here we are at Friday. I woke up in a very grateful mood. First thought that crossed my mind as my eyes opened to face my ceiling and my spinning fan? Friday.... It's gone pretty swiftly downhill since then. I couldn't make up my mind what to take for lunch and was a bit late for work. Emily has been depressing all day. She even slammed her phone down at one point. Usually this kind of thing wouldn't bother me, but she's directly across the hall from me, so I see her and her poutyness every time I glance up from this screen.
She left early. I told her to go home. We're going to get margaritas tomorrow night probably, and she'll be back to her old self. She just needed a break. I emailed Gary and told him if they didn't work out their communication issues I was going to kill both of them. Strangulation, in case he was interested.
But anyway...
2) A response to my email to Gary, already. Wasn't what I wanted him to say, but at least it was a response.
3) I don't have to think about work for two days. I don't have to think about anything for two days. I have no plans and I love that I have no plans.
4) Rain, to wash away the pollen, grow my vegetables, make my flowers stand tall, and make the earth greener.
5) My birthday coming up next week and people to celebrate with. In sharp contrast to last year, when everyone was too busy, this year we had to make reservations for 12, and at one of my favorite restaurants on their tapas night, no less. It makes me feel very, very blessed.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
stuck in the middle
You all are such good advice-givers, I thought I'd run another one by you. There's also an update on yesterday's situation at the bottom.
There's a lot of back story here I could get into, but I won't. I'll sum it up: Gary, my boss, hired his best friend (and now my friend) Emily, as his second employee to help him run his business two years ago. I was next about 3 months later, a stranger to both of them, but now a friend as well. They never learned how to communicate as anything other than friends, which at first was fine, but now that there are close to 20 of us in the office, and stress has been through the roof lately, it causes problems. And I'm smack-dab in the middle of them, both as HR and as their mutual friend.
Emily says Gary takes her for granted, and Gary says Emily doesn't follow all the steps and rules that she should. Emily thinks Gary doesn't listen to her, doesn't believe her, and dismisses her too often, but Gary thinks that Emily should open her ears and listen to all the instructions and not take everything so personally.
They're both flighty as hell, late everywhere they go, change their plans on the fly, and have a great time together socially. But in the work environment, unless they're creatively problem-solving something together, with no time constraints, or budget for that matter (when does this ever happen? never), they can't seem to communicate.
And I've found myself in the middle. Here's the current problem: Gary needed to go visit a client, and being Gary, he waited til the end of last week to plan the trip for this week. Emily was already at a client's office last week so the plans for this week were made without her input. Gary assumed Emily would go, but she had already made plans for the week including follow-up meetings with the client she was just with and putting together an ad that we need to submit by Friday. So she did not go. There was talk on Monday, just before Gary left, of Emily flying out Wednesday. She agreed to this, but Gary and Emily got in a fight later that day because he promised to help her with a document for a client but ran out of time because of other meetings. Somewhat in retaliation, it seems to Emily, Gary hasn't called Emily since. Gary's assistant sent him an email yesterday to ask what travel plans had been made for Emily but got no response. This morning, Emily texted Gary's partner, Wade, who's with Gary, (why not text Gary himself... well Emily believes she's getting the silent treatment, so she's giving it back) to say "I'm pretty sure I'm not going to the client's office, but some notice would have been nice." She received a text back that said "I'm pretty sure you are going next week." Emily is now up-in-arms thinking that Gary, again, is making travel plans for her without consulting her. And she's still waiting for help on that same document.
I was tired of hearing it, and I needed an answer on something else from Gary as well, so I sent him a pretty stern email about how he needed to make more time for us when he's out of the office because we can't function for long without at least some input. He finally called the office, a little sheepishly, and is being passed around on the phone now. Emily's turn, and she's being pretty short with him. "Yes," "no," and "okays" with small explanations in between. Not rude, but maybe a little curt-- not her normal self. But at least she's getting the answers she needed to her questions. One problem solved.
I have no idea how to get them to better communicate. They're teaching each other how to treat each other, playing "silent treatment" games, like little kids. They went to lunch one day last week to try to hash it out, and they came up with a safe word one is supposed to say to the other if one starts to feel they're slipping back into bad habits. We can see how well that's going.
Most of the time it's ok, there are just flare-ups. It's definitely worse when Gary is gone because his scarce free time is even more hard to get.
Emily and I just made a run to Sonic. A cocktail would have been better, but milkshakes will work in a pinch. She felt better after her call with him-- all she needed were a few answers, and he was nice to her. Simple, but it solved it. I'm still trying to figure out either a) how to get out of the middle without pissing either of them off and still being their friend or b) how to get them to better communicate, which is what I really want because it would improve our company too. Any words of wisdom?
Update on yesterday's post:
I let it go. For now. I'm doing exit interviews next week for all of them, and I plan on bringing up his absences then. He just submitted his self-review form to me and on it it states that he'd like to continue to work for us until he graduates in December... apparently he missed a couple classes that he didn't realize until a couple weeks ago. Bummer for him. So I'm going to have to both let him down easy, as we don't want to keep him on, and try to teach him a lesson at the same time. Fun for me. I'm chalking it up as a learning experience, and that's made me glad for it.
There's a lot of back story here I could get into, but I won't. I'll sum it up: Gary, my boss, hired his best friend (and now my friend) Emily, as his second employee to help him run his business two years ago. I was next about 3 months later, a stranger to both of them, but now a friend as well. They never learned how to communicate as anything other than friends, which at first was fine, but now that there are close to 20 of us in the office, and stress has been through the roof lately, it causes problems. And I'm smack-dab in the middle of them, both as HR and as their mutual friend.
Emily says Gary takes her for granted, and Gary says Emily doesn't follow all the steps and rules that she should. Emily thinks Gary doesn't listen to her, doesn't believe her, and dismisses her too often, but Gary thinks that Emily should open her ears and listen to all the instructions and not take everything so personally.
They're both flighty as hell, late everywhere they go, change their plans on the fly, and have a great time together socially. But in the work environment, unless they're creatively problem-solving something together, with no time constraints, or budget for that matter (when does this ever happen? never), they can't seem to communicate.
And I've found myself in the middle. Here's the current problem: Gary needed to go visit a client, and being Gary, he waited til the end of last week to plan the trip for this week. Emily was already at a client's office last week so the plans for this week were made without her input. Gary assumed Emily would go, but she had already made plans for the week including follow-up meetings with the client she was just with and putting together an ad that we need to submit by Friday. So she did not go. There was talk on Monday, just before Gary left, of Emily flying out Wednesday. She agreed to this, but Gary and Emily got in a fight later that day because he promised to help her with a document for a client but ran out of time because of other meetings. Somewhat in retaliation, it seems to Emily, Gary hasn't called Emily since. Gary's assistant sent him an email yesterday to ask what travel plans had been made for Emily but got no response. This morning, Emily texted Gary's partner, Wade, who's with Gary, (why not text Gary himself... well Emily believes she's getting the silent treatment, so she's giving it back) to say "I'm pretty sure I'm not going to the client's office, but some notice would have been nice." She received a text back that said "I'm pretty sure you are going next week." Emily is now up-in-arms thinking that Gary, again, is making travel plans for her without consulting her. And she's still waiting for help on that same document.
I was tired of hearing it, and I needed an answer on something else from Gary as well, so I sent him a pretty stern email about how he needed to make more time for us when he's out of the office because we can't function for long without at least some input. He finally called the office, a little sheepishly, and is being passed around on the phone now. Emily's turn, and she's being pretty short with him. "Yes," "no," and "okays" with small explanations in between. Not rude, but maybe a little curt-- not her normal self. But at least she's getting the answers she needed to her questions. One problem solved.
I have no idea how to get them to better communicate. They're teaching each other how to treat each other, playing "silent treatment" games, like little kids. They went to lunch one day last week to try to hash it out, and they came up with a safe word one is supposed to say to the other if one starts to feel they're slipping back into bad habits. We can see how well that's going.
Most of the time it's ok, there are just flare-ups. It's definitely worse when Gary is gone because his scarce free time is even more hard to get.
Update on yesterday's post:
I let it go. For now. I'm doing exit interviews next week for all of them, and I plan on bringing up his absences then. He just submitted his self-review form to me and on it it states that he'd like to continue to work for us until he graduates in December... apparently he missed a couple classes that he didn't realize until a couple weeks ago. Bummer for him. So I'm going to have to both let him down easy, as we don't want to keep him on, and try to teach him a lesson at the same time. Fun for me. I'm chalking it up as a learning experience, and that's made me glad for it.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
liar, liar...
I'll preface this by saying I don't like this kid, Jim. He showed some promise at first, but after getting to know him, the "I'm a rich guy, I'm awesome, everyone loves me, listen to this awesome story about this time I was so hammered" attitude didn't fade away like I had hoped, and other employees have started to notice it as well. So as soon as his internship is officially over next Friday, we aren't planning on hiring him on full-time, just sending him on his merry way with his (tactful if unenthusiastic) letter of reference.
He's called in either sick or late a few times since he started in February, once I know for a bachelor party in New Orleans that took up more of his weekend than he thought it would, and a couple weeks later for that bachelor's wedding and a long trip back. I chalked it up to inexperience and immaturity, and again since we aren't planning to keep him on, I shrugged my shoulders.
As I posted yesterday, there were baseball games in town all weekend. When leaving the game on Sunday afternoon, on a high from our come-back win, my husband and I were gliding across a field to our car when a few douche-baggy drunk boys about 10 feet in front of us started hooting and hollering. I thought, "Hey, that one douche-bag looks a lot like Jim," and then, after he turned around to yell (and slur) something at a friend, I confirmed that it was him. No big deal, it was Sunday, and I don't really care. He didn't see me, and we went on to our car.
Jim didn't come in for work as usual yesterday morning. I wasn't going to chase him down-- it's his internship after all. I just made a mental note of it and thought about how I could get out of writing him a letter of recommendation at all. At about 4:45 pm he called me and asked if I had gotten his email, which of course I hadn't. After mumbling something about there being something wrong with his email account, he told me he had been in his hometown (about 2 hours away) this weekend as his dad was in the hospital again, and he didn't get back in time for work today.
So I was faced with a dilemma. Confront him right then and there? Or play it off and try to gather more intel? I played it off. After I got off the phone, I called his direct manager to ask him to try to get some information from the other interns. Two of them saw him at a bar on the town square Friday night, but no one knew anything other than that. Turns out, they don't like him much either and aren't social with him.
There's a chance he got called home Sunday night after the game (I saw him about 5 pm). But there's a bigger chance, given his history, that he partied it up a little too hard and needed an excuse. Karma will bite him in the butt, eventually, sure, and I hope it doesn't take his father to the hospital with it. But I'm unsure how to address this with him.
He doesn't work on Tuesdays. Tomorrow I think I'm going to casually ask him about his dad and try to gather when exactly he went to his hometown. If he says "all weekend" or pretty much anything other than "just Sunday night to Monday," I know I'll have him. But what do I do with him when I have him? He still has a project to finish. But I don't abide liars. I'll probably ask him to leave.
What would you do, how would you handle this? How do you handle liars in general?
Monday, April 26, 2010
tossing and turning
Other than last night, I had a good weekend. We had baseball games all weekend, but with the terrible storms that rolled through, Friday night's got delayed until finally it was moved to Saturday. I only stayed out there through the first delay-- after that I left my husband there and went home to my couch. He enjoyed his "guy time." They ended up winning both on Saturday, but they ran really late so we were exhausted.
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| Ours is similar, but bigger, purple, & a tin roof. And no snow. |
My forehead is a little pink, but I learned my lesson last time and bathed in spf 50 before even leaving the car. Husband's nose is pink too, but other than that and some sore butts from sitting on the picnic table all afternoon at the field, we escaped our full weekend unscathed.
I also spent some time on Saturday in my yard taking pictures of Spring. My favorite are my blue-blue irises that remind me of Spring in the garden at my grandparents house as a kid, when I would help them plant or move their bulbs and then cut them to make beautiful bouquets. Purple irises were always my grandmother's favorite.
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| One of my irises |
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| A poppy, growing on my deck |
Friday, April 23, 2010
the stigma of fat
I am not fat. I'm not even pleasantly plump. I tell myself this, but I don't always believe it. I don't have huge issues with food-- in general I eat what I want when I want it. But just because I eat it doesn't mean I don't feel guilty. It doesn't mean I'm not calculating calories in my head. And it doesn't mean that there aren't days I feel a sheer panic-- that fluttering in my chest, racing negative thoughts, shortness of breath panic-- at the thought that I'm getting older and my metabolism won't be so forgiving anymore and I might get... fat.
I am a woman, therefore I feel these things. Because I am a woman, it's status quo. Why is that ok? Why is that normal? Why is that accepted?
It's a terrible thing; it's miserable to feel like you have to analyze every morsel of food that crosses your lips. But this is the way most women in America, and in the world increasingly, operate on a daily basis. We've made ourselves sick, not only physically, but mentally. Did you know that bulimia has the top mortality rate among mental illnesses?
How we fix this, I don't know. I can't even fix myself, much less a nationwide epidemic. But I do know that girls like the one in this video will continue to suffer and die unless we as a country begin to recognize this as a real issue, a real disease, and work to remove the stigma associated with bulimia and anorexia and with "fat" in general.
I am a woman, therefore I feel these things. Because I am a woman, it's status quo. Why is that ok? Why is that normal? Why is that accepted?
It's a terrible thing; it's miserable to feel like you have to analyze every morsel of food that crosses your lips. But this is the way most women in America, and in the world increasingly, operate on a daily basis. We've made ourselves sick, not only physically, but mentally. Did you know that bulimia has the top mortality rate among mental illnesses?
How we fix this, I don't know. I can't even fix myself, much less a nationwide epidemic. But I do know that girls like the one in this video will continue to suffer and die unless we as a country begin to recognize this as a real issue, a real disease, and work to remove the stigma associated with bulimia and anorexia and with "fat" in general.
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Thursday, April 22, 2010
Grateful Thursday snuck up on me
I can't believe it's Thursday already again. This week has gone by so fast.
1) Cooking at home. I haven't been able to cook at home at all this week, not even for lunch to bring to work with me, save one lone pb&j on Monday. Work has kept me very busy. But I'm finally getting to the grocery store tonight. I love to eat out, but there's really nothing better than creating and enjoying your own food.
2) An observant husband. When I got home from work yesterday, apparently I had been riding on almost my rim on my back left tire. Luckily he noticed and got it fixed for me today. There was a screw in it, so they plugged it for me. I also got free new brake pads because the ones they put on a year ago were already cracked and still under warranty. And my oil changed too. So not only is he observant, but he takes care of me too.
3) Water! I've continued to drink 24 oz a day and I swear it makes such a huge difference. (I have to pee a lot too, but I guess I can live with that.)
4) A couple new restaurants in town, one that serves soul/Southern type food-- I've already had their blackbean chipotle burger and their fried catfish-- and a new yogurt place similar to a Pinkberry. I hear you can even put Captain Crunch in your fro-yo. I haven't made it there yet, but my boss has and says it's great.
5) Though I hate it most of the time for how quickly it passes and how it changes my life and my body, I'm thankful for the healing properties time has. It's a bittersweet thankful, though, because along with the healing comes forgetting.
1) Cooking at home. I haven't been able to cook at home at all this week, not even for lunch to bring to work with me, save one lone pb&j on Monday. Work has kept me very busy. But I'm finally getting to the grocery store tonight. I love to eat out, but there's really nothing better than creating and enjoying your own food.
2) An observant husband. When I got home from work yesterday, apparently I had been riding on almost my rim on my back left tire. Luckily he noticed and got it fixed for me today. There was a screw in it, so they plugged it for me. I also got free new brake pads because the ones they put on a year ago were already cracked and still under warranty. And my oil changed too. So not only is he observant, but he takes care of me too.
3) Water! I've continued to drink 24 oz a day and I swear it makes such a huge difference. (I have to pee a lot too, but I guess I can live with that.)
4) A couple new restaurants in town, one that serves soul/Southern type food-- I've already had their blackbean chipotle burger and their fried catfish-- and a new yogurt place similar to a Pinkberry. I hear you can even put Captain Crunch in your fro-yo. I haven't made it there yet, but my boss has and says it's great.
5) Though I hate it most of the time for how quickly it passes and how it changes my life and my body, I'm thankful for the healing properties time has. It's a bittersweet thankful, though, because along with the healing comes forgetting.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Grateful Thursday, at least in the end
Laying in bed last night, listening to the crackling of my ear plugs slowly expanding in my ear canals, I was thinking about my upcoming birthday. I will be 28 in two weeks from yesterday. When my mother was 28, she had a newborn son, my older brother. By the time she was 30, she had two children-- an infant boy and a newborn me, and was planning a move to DC for a few years. By the time she was 34, she had three kids. I remember about this time of my life, my earliest memories, thinking about how big my parents were, and a few years later about how old they were. I feel like over the last ten years or so, the distance between our ages has shrunk, and I now don't think of them as old at all. But there are still 30 years between, and there always will be.
Over the weekend, I spent some time with my friend, Kelsy, who has a 3-month-old little girl. She really wanted her daughter, couldn't wait to get pregnant and have a child. It's natural to her. My good friends, Tom and Sherri, who have my favorite three-year-old little boy in the world, are a couple years older than me, with about the same age span between them and their son as there is between me and my parents, and they seem like they never gave having children a second thought. It's like when people, normal people, hit a certain age, they suddenly think it's ok, that it's natural, that they should bring another person onto this earth and be fully responsible for how the child turns out, that they know they won't drop it or neglect it or somehow screw it up. That they're ok with the fact their lives as they knew them are over for good. Even happy about that.
So, what's wrong with me, why haven't I had that "click" that changes me into a person who wants kids? I am still a kid. I struggle with this-- is this a good thing, something for which to be grateful? Or am I selling myself short? Denying myself something that would be good for me? Or is what's good for me just living my life with my husband?
I'm trying my hardest not to get pregnant, but also understanding if I do, it's not completely the end of the world. Even though it kind of feels like it would be. When I'm 30 I'll reevaluate. That would time the spacing about the same as it is with my parents and me, so it makes me feel not so behind.
I know I've written about this before, but it was on my mind today, and I needed to get it out. What worries me most is that if I were to get pregnant right now, I'm not sure how my husband would react. When I was younger, I always thought I'd "take care of it" but now that I'm married, have been married for five years, to a man that I know I'll always be with, that option isn't on the table anymore. I don't know if he knows that or not. I suppose I should tell him to be sure. He makes comments sometimes, about how nice it is not to have to worry about kids, etc., and in my head I think "what if? what would he say?" Or what if I change my mind and he doesn't? Lord help us both if that happens.
I started to say that I'm not feeling very grateful today, so maybe I won't make a list, but really it's days like today that I need to list the most. So I will force myself. By #5 my funk will be gone.
1) Tuna salad for lunch. With lots of sweet relish. And sweet corn.
2) Staying on the food theme, the shrimp and grits we made were so good. So good. You can find the recipe here. We are instituting a cooking-date-night, both to give us something else to do together and to try out new recipes without me having to fumble around with them myself. This was our first go, and it was a lot of fun.
3) Apparently food is on my mind... we planted our first plants in our vegetable garden yesterday-- two Better Boy tomato plants, a Roma tomato plant, and a habanero pepper plant. Husband loves peppers and spicy food, so that's totally for him. He'll jar them with vinegar to make himself a pepper sauce. This weekend we're planting the rest from seeds-- sweet corn, carrots, zucchini, squash, cucumber, honeydew, soybeans, and snap beans. As we grow it, we plan to blanch and freeze a lot of it for use later in the year, especially the beans.
4) Emily just made another sale. She's been down the last few days, same as her sales, but she's feeling a lot better now. They paid for a full year up front too.
5) Well, listing my grateful items wasn't helping as much today, so I opened up my chat window with my husband to ask him how he would react if I got pregnant. I had been putting that question off for too long. He said "I'm not going to leave you or anything, but there is a lot of living I would like to do before I give myself up to caring for a child, and I would rather have some sort of plan and some money set up before that happens." Perfectly rational and reasonable, which I should have guessed. He also said that he doesn't like me going through these "what if" games because it just makes me worry, and that I should trust that he's the calm and positive one (he is) and that we'd get through it. Which we would. So I'm ok now.
Going to eat #1 now.
Over the weekend, I spent some time with my friend, Kelsy, who has a 3-month-old little girl. She really wanted her daughter, couldn't wait to get pregnant and have a child. It's natural to her. My good friends, Tom and Sherri, who have my favorite three-year-old little boy in the world, are a couple years older than me, with about the same age span between them and their son as there is between me and my parents, and they seem like they never gave having children a second thought. It's like when people, normal people, hit a certain age, they suddenly think it's ok, that it's natural, that they should bring another person onto this earth and be fully responsible for how the child turns out, that they know they won't drop it or neglect it or somehow screw it up. That they're ok with the fact their lives as they knew them are over for good. Even happy about that.
So, what's wrong with me, why haven't I had that "click" that changes me into a person who wants kids? I am still a kid. I struggle with this-- is this a good thing, something for which to be grateful? Or am I selling myself short? Denying myself something that would be good for me? Or is what's good for me just living my life with my husband?
I'm trying my hardest not to get pregnant, but also understanding if I do, it's not completely the end of the world. Even though it kind of feels like it would be. When I'm 30 I'll reevaluate. That would time the spacing about the same as it is with my parents and me, so it makes me feel not so behind.
I know I've written about this before, but it was on my mind today, and I needed to get it out. What worries me most is that if I were to get pregnant right now, I'm not sure how my husband would react. When I was younger, I always thought I'd "take care of it" but now that I'm married, have been married for five years, to a man that I know I'll always be with, that option isn't on the table anymore. I don't know if he knows that or not. I suppose I should tell him to be sure. He makes comments sometimes, about how nice it is not to have to worry about kids, etc., and in my head I think "what if? what would he say?" Or what if I change my mind and he doesn't? Lord help us both if that happens.
I started to say that I'm not feeling very grateful today, so maybe I won't make a list, but really it's days like today that I need to list the most. So I will force myself. By #5 my funk will be gone.
2) Staying on the food theme, the shrimp and grits we made were so good. So good. You can find the recipe here. We are instituting a cooking-date-night, both to give us something else to do together and to try out new recipes without me having to fumble around with them myself. This was our first go, and it was a lot of fun.
3) Apparently food is on my mind... we planted our first plants in our vegetable garden yesterday-- two Better Boy tomato plants, a Roma tomato plant, and a habanero pepper plant. Husband loves peppers and spicy food, so that's totally for him. He'll jar them with vinegar to make himself a pepper sauce. This weekend we're planting the rest from seeds-- sweet corn, carrots, zucchini, squash, cucumber, honeydew, soybeans, and snap beans. As we grow it, we plan to blanch and freeze a lot of it for use later in the year, especially the beans.
4) Emily just made another sale. She's been down the last few days, same as her sales, but she's feeling a lot better now. They paid for a full year up front too.
5) Well, listing my grateful items wasn't helping as much today, so I opened up my chat window with my husband to ask him how he would react if I got pregnant. I had been putting that question off for too long. He said "I'm not going to leave you or anything, but there is a lot of living I would like to do before I give myself up to caring for a child, and I would rather have some sort of plan and some money set up before that happens." Perfectly rational and reasonable, which I should have guessed. He also said that he doesn't like me going through these "what if" games because it just makes me worry, and that I should trust that he's the calm and positive one (he is) and that we'd get through it. Which we would. So I'm ok now.
Going to eat #1 now.
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