Grateful back-from-Miami

I feel like years have passed.

Isn't that weird, how a trip to a new place, even when you're with the people you see every single day, can make you feel like somehow time is passing more slowly, and when you return to your "real" world, you can't decide if this is actually reality and you dreamed the trip, or the other way around. That's how I felt last night, riding with my husband over to Sonic for dinner after he picked me up at the office.

Of course it probably didn't help that I had been up until 4 a.m. the night before and had a 7:30 breakfast meeting that day with a client. I don't do well on 3 hours of sleep. But I had to stay up because I had to find out how long a coworker, Stacy, was going to stay out. The night before she was downstairs at the hotel bar with a couple of male clients until nearly 2 a.m. The boss had a conversation with her the next day about how inappropriate that is, what with other people (aka potential clients) watching and with never knowing what someone's true intentions are. She proceeded to go out again that same night, which was fine at first because she had other female employees with her, but when they left and she insisted on staying by herself with no one but male clients, she made herself again into a liability for the company.

So I fired her today. Or, rather, the leadership team met, discussed how to fire her (because is it really a question at this point?), and then after coming back into my office was approached by Stacy who said, "Are you going to fire me now?"

This woman and I have never gotten along. She's loud, pretentious, immature, and loves to be the center of attention. She creates drama wherever she goes, making her practically my exact opposite, and not in a good way. I was planning on at least slightly enjoying this firing, because truthfully I get no joy out of it even when I don't like the person, but she took all that away from me by being completely understanding and cooperative. Amazing coming from someone who previously has shown so much immaturity. But I'm glad it's over and the best decision was made.

And so, today I'm grateful for several things. I'm grateful to still have a job, to be smart enough to understand that when the boss says something it goes whether I completely agree or not, and that the actual firing was painless for me and at least somewhat less painful for her.

I'm also grateful to be home. Miami is beautiful but it's no place I'd want to live, at least not unless I owned a private key somewhere off shore. I was so happy to be back in my bed and back with my husband. There's nothing better than your own bed after a long trip, especially when it has clean sheets. I will be grateful to have my suitcase unpacked and my clothes clean tonight as well. We're planning a quiet night, catching up on Tivo-ed tv from the week, maybe with a delivered pizza or Chinese take out. Tomorrow I don't plan on leaving the couch very much either.

no rest for the weary

I'm going to Miami at 5:30 in the morning for a conference. I'll be back Thursday night. The boss is mostly just bringing me along for fun-- I'm lucky in that I don't have to go to the Detroits or the St. Louis's or the Nashvilles, the places with little to do after the show closes. I can pick the couple I want to go to every year. Last year it was Vegas, this year Miami and probably Albuquerque in the fall. I've never been to Miami so I'm excited about that.

I'm not excited about the traveling. I hate to fly. I don't actually mind the physical act of taking off, cruising, or landing. It's the anticipation of having to be somewhere at an exact time, of checking in, of going through security, waiting and waiting, finding a cab, etc. It's too much work.

But after the week I had, I'm looking forward to being out of the office for a while. The leadership committee came to a very tough decision to fire one of our higher-paid employees. He'd been with us for about 6 months, and although he hadn't really done anything wrong, he hadn't done anything right either, and that department is going through a restructure. After spinning in circles, mostly because the boss is nice to a fault, we voted and the majority (all but the boss) was for firing. A clean break. I dreaded it all night Thursday as it's my responsibility to both hire and fire. But the actual act, done on Friday afternoon, wasn't that bad. It was quick, like ripping off a bandaid.

He told me he had been expecting it for a while. I don't understand this. If you're making that much money a year, why wouldn't you fight for your job? If you felt yourself on the edge, why wouldn't you show up every day half an hour early and leave every day an hour late, ask anyone and everyone for work to do, and find a way to make yourself indispensable? He didn't-- he rolled over and died months ago, sitting at his desk doing nothing, not showing up for extra trainings. It's odd.

So you won't hear from me again until Thursday, not that I've been posting a lot anyway. There's been no free time for me. No rest. Maybe I'll get some sleep on the plane.

Grateful Thursday?

I'm grateful this day is over.

I would be more grateful if tomorrow was over too.

I have to fire someone. Details later.

these boots are made for walking

I got new cowboy boots over the weekend, dark brown suede, slightly pointed toe, two inch stacked heel. Been a long time since I've had some shit-kickers. Yes, that is what we Southerners like to call our boots, the ones we wear to get dirty in the yard or stomp around town. Got them half-price and had a gift card to pay for them, plus I got a new scarf and brown tights on that card as well. Doesn't really sound like it goes together-- shit-kickers, tights, and a scarf. But somehow they all work in the same wardrobe, just not on the same day.

There's something about having a pair of stomping boots that makes you want to kick ass. I came into work today with a kicking-ass attitude. I don't even feel like stopping to take names.

My office door was unlocked and wide open-- someone had fished the extra key out of the reception desk (no one is supposed to know it's in there but the boss and receptionist). Turns out the boss was the culprit, but I was on a rampage for about thirty minutes trying to find out who did it, and he'll get an earful when I get ahold of him too. The controller and I share an office-- lots of financial and HR related stuff going on in here.

I eat when I'm stressed, and it's been stressful around here lately. I weighed myself over Christmas at my in-laws, and I'm the same 140 I've always been. I just feel... flabby. I'm eating McDonalds right now as I write this. Probably doesn't help. But I have been told three times today that I "look tall" or "look thin." It's amazing what a new pair of boots will do for you, and a new attitude.

Husband joined a gym, says he wants to firm up, lose about 10 pounds, and get back to his "fighting weight." Like he ever fought anything, other than maybe a barstool after a few too many. But he went both Thursday and Friday after work, cycled and used an elliptical that told him, in all its digital wisdom, that he worked off 265 calories both days. If nothing else it's given him a new appreciation for the amount of calories in food and how much it takes to work off that one extra coke or that one little candy bar. He even asked me over the weekend how many calories were in diet Dr. Pepper. "Zero," I gladly told him, and he was happy as he cracked it open. Like I buy diet soda because I like it.

Don't tell him I told you so, but he has gained about 15-20 pounds over the last couple years. Still fit, but soft, and maybe a little on the pudgy side-- he's especially started to fill in on his usually angular neck and checks. I think that was the last straw for him.

I saw a picture of him at his Dad's house the other night, probably from age 18 or 19, and I was reminded of the face that I fell in love with how ever many years ago, those sharp cheek bones and fluffly curly brown hair, all buzz cut now to hide the fact that it's falling out. I love his face now too-- his little gray hairs, the blue eyes that will never lose their youthful mischievous glint, but something about seeing the old him reminded me of those days so strongly, I feel renewed.

Me? I don't think I've changed, but I think that's probably more of a condition of seeing myself in the mirror every day more than the actual truth of it. I won't ask him, though, I don't want to know. I might have to kick his ass if he told me the truth. I'd take off my boots first for him though. That's just how much I love him.

numb, again

Although this is not one I had planned to repost, as I think several of you were following me already at this point, I am in the same state as I described back then again this morning.

numb, from March 30, 2009:

"I can feel my bones. They creak and groan like a rusty door hinge, no soft connections to ease them. My flesh and muscle, my sinew down to the bone is lifeless. I'm a skeleton walking. I'm numb and cold and hard. Pinch me and I won't make a peep; I won't feel it. I look at the world through hollow cavities, colors and light and movement shocking to my slow-motion thoughts, and I struggle to comprehend. I feel rail thin and brittle, but bloated at once, like a cheek after a dentist's injection, feeling swollen and looking ordinary. I poke myself to make sure I'm ordinary, but feel nothing. My stomach, I can feel my stomach, roiling and curdling, protesting its contents. Belches taste like soap and syrup, making the curdling worse, feeling at any moment I could lose those contents, knowing that it wouldn't make it better if I did. My head is full of air. I'm a bubble, a dry bubble ready to pop, releasing nothing but dust. Questions float by me like dandelion seeds in the wind, and I'm mesmerized by their grace but lost by their meaning. I'm surprised I can form semi-complete thoughts, but the surprise is dulled, like a rubber mallet on splintering wood."

It's so hard to function like this. I know several of you out there feel my pain (literally), but it's not even the pain I speak of here, it's the medicine. What's worse-- a migraine that hurts so bad you'd rather poke out your eyes to relieve the pressure and distract yourself than suffer through another minute, or medicine that lulls you into believing that you've gotten rid of the pain only for the pain to be replaced by complete numbness, cloudiness, weird aches, and blank stupidity?

I guess the medicine is better-- that must be why I keep taking it. I haven't had a headache in a while. Winter is usually easier on me. But on a day like today when I really need to focus at work, but instead I end up staring at a sentence like this blindly wondering where the hell it was going in the first place, letting minutes pass by before I can type out another word... well, it's not helpful.

Grateful Thursday

I meant to post several times this week. I had important things to say, I'm sure, but somehow they skipped out of my brain, running for their life as all these work thoughts came pouring in, like a flood. Cat 3 water loss. If you worked here you'd know what that meant.

We've been so busy. We sold our product to a franchise, and January 4th marked the first franchisee to roll-out with us. We're adding two a day now. I don't have much to do with that side, but I've been trying to hire some help for them since they're so snowed under back there. I've had two candidates not show up for their interview. Two. In a row. How does that happen? How do I have a pleasant phone conversation with someone, offer them an interview, schedule it, and then at the scheduled time sit here looking at my door wondering where the heck they are? Twice?

But I do have a lot to be grateful for this week. So here goes...

1) I'm choosing to be thankful for the cold. And when I say cold, I mean freeze the hair in your nose cold, curl your toes cold, frost your eyelashes cold, turn your fingernails blue cold. 18 degrees when I got to work this morning. We are not used to that here, not in the least, and the snow? You'd think the world was ending. But if nothing else, the cold reminds me how much I appreciate warmth. And summer.

My deck this morning. Bub was not a happy camper.

2) Growth. I was angry Tuesday morning, angry about something my boss did the night before, angry that I wasn't given more respect in a certain situation at work. As I was getting ready to come in, blow drying my hair and getting dressed, all I could think about was what exactly I was going to say to him as soon as I got the chance. But I had a thought: let me put myself in his shoes. So I tried them on. They didn't fit at first, and I was uncomfortable, squirming around trying to see myself and the situation from the other side. Once I did though, once I came to terms with what I could have done better, once I saw that he never meant harm, not really, by what he did, I decided I was going to be helpful, not angry, positive, not negative. I went to him when I got to work and told him my ideas for improving the situation, and he agreed and I could see a weight was lifted from him. A few years ago, even a year ago, that wouldn't have happened. I either would have boiled over it or blown my top, but something has happened to me over the past year to give me this new perspective on life. Wish I could put my finger on exactly what it was.

3) Basketball games. I got to go to a college game Tuesday night, and we won! It was exciting, especially for me because basketball is my game. I played in high school, know all the rules, and get so into the games I hardly notice that I'm jumping up and down or yelling or whooping. It was a fun night.

continued trains of thought

I think it's tragic that most new blogs, devoid of followers, post some of their best writing in the first few months only for them to go nearly completely unread. That's not to say that a person only has a few good things to say, but I do think it's true that some of the freshest and perhaps most daring ideas get expressed in that time before we have an audience.

Because of that, and in honor of my year of blogging, I'm going to occasionally repost some of my older writing in the next couple months. No, it will not be my sole form of posting, and it won't happen too often (why is there a taboo about this anyway?) but I do want to put some of this back out there.

To start things off, here's one from January 3 of last year called train of thought.

"Does anyone else lay in bed at night, thinking random thoughts, only to wonder how you ended up at the current thought, so you lay there for another 20 minutes circling back to the original idea?

Last night, all in the space of about an hour while trying to fall asleep, listening to my husband snore 2 minutes after he hit the pillow: What am I doing tomorrow? I should use that gift certificate tomorrow. I need a new dress. Something shiny to wear to that charity benefit in February. Then I could wear it to that wedding in April. So it needs to be appropriate for both. Surely it's a dress-up wedding. It's at the country club. I wonder how many people are invited. I wonder if my old friend X will be there. I haven't seen him in a while. I think he lives in DC now so he probably won't come. My cousin lives in DC now too. I wonder if they know each other. Wouldn't that be funny. She just got a new job. I wonder what she does exactly. I wonder what the weather is like there. Wait, why am I thinking about DC weather?... DC... cousin... friend... wedding... benefit... shiny dress... oh yeah, gift certificate. What am I doing tomorrow?

And then for another thirty minutes I laid there making a list in my head of the several errands I must run today, so many since I haven't had a free day since Halloween.

What I should have been thinking about: Why is it so long since I've seen my old friend? We're facebook friends but we hardly talk there. We were best friends in high school, the inseparable kind, knew each other's thoughts before they were thought, a real heart to heart, soul to soul connection. I have very few of those-- just my husband, my friend Karen, and my friend Betsy. I wonder why I let his friendship go all those years ago. Young then, only 18, leaving for college, dating someone who I thought at the time was SO important. That's when things started to fall apart, when I started dating someone. My friend and I were never like that, but I guess he just felt a little replaced.

Come to think of it, I'm not friends with anyone I knew in high school, so I don't really know why I'm going to this wedding in April. The bride and I were close then, but I haven't spoken to her in years. Why am I even invited?? We don't know each other. She wasn't invited to mine.

My wedding was small, only about 100 people invited, 80 attended, mostly family, and very close friends. The best complements I got were
A) thank you for having a short and sweet ceremony that happened to also be pretty (no problem)
B) it was like something from an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel, a Great Gatsby jazz age Deco ball come to life, but without being costumey or themey (that was the point, so glad you noticed).
We really enjoyed our wedding, except for the part where my grandmother fell down the stairs, but that's another story altogether. And we did it pretty cheaply too, which was great in a town where the average wedding costs 30 grand. Who has that kind of money to spend? I can see easily how it's done, though, with one venue wanting to charge $2000 just for chairs.

Why am I thinking about the cost of wedding chairs? weddings... Fitzgerald... that wedding... not friends anymore... my old friend in DC... train of thought. Oh yeah."

Grateful Last Thursday

Happy Blogiversary to me! Today marks a year for my blog. What better way to end this year of blogging and the year of 2009 than with a Grateful post? There are so many things for which to be grateful, I'm afraid the only real way to pay homage to them all would be to re-list everything I've named this year... so that's what I'll do, briefly. If you can't read all of them (because it is a lot!) skip to the last three. They sum it up.

1) My husband, who brings me lunch

2) Smoothies

3) The sun streaming through windows onto my face

4) The people with whom I work

5) The promotions and raises I keep getting at work

6) That I had a man like my grandfather in my life, even if it was only for the first 25 years

7) Indian food

8) Baseball games and crawfish boils

9) Forgiveness: both my ability to forgive and others' forgiveness of my mistakes

10) Overcoats

11) My dog and cat

12) Lazy Sundays with my husband

13) Grandmothers

14) My new blog friends

15) Lost, the best show on tv

16) My husband, who cleans our house

17) Low mortgage interest rates

18) A good meal with good friends

19) My health and my husband's health

20) Busy days at work
21) The rain

22) Emails from my father

23) Company sponsored health insurance
24) Japanese food and fried rice

25) The maple tree across the street from my office window

26) My husband, who keeps me sane

27) Baseball season and the friends we make

28) The birds on my feeders in the morning

29) Spring

30) A plan-filled weekend

31) Financial security. Not abundance, but security

32) My car, my paid-for car

33) Racoons

34) My boss

35) Another dog, happy and warm and loved, saved from the shelter, and going to live a long life with a good family

36) Clean Sheets

37) Bananas

38) My father-in-law

39) A night to myself

40) Antibiotics

41) Irises blooming in my front yard

42) My birthday

43) The quilts made by my great-grandmother

44) Fridays

45) The new donut place down the street

46) The weekend. Did I say that already?

47) Surviving summer storms

48) Flowers

49) This grateful Thursday post I do

50) Junior mints and peanut butter cups

51) The recycling pick-up men

52) The new Thai restaurant in town

53) My husband, and the calming effect he has on me

54) A beautiful weekend

55) The tile on our fireplace
56) Tom Petty
57) My blog awards

58) Seeing the outcome to hard work

59) Good friends in all their groups

60) The power of a good movie

61) Friends expanding their families 

62) The quiet that leads to productivity

63) My fellow bloggers

64) The ability to make a difference, even if very small

65) Days without headaches

66) Personal space

67) A house full of animals

68) Air conditioning

69) My naturally high metabolism

70) My parents

71) Employment

72) Three-day weekends

73) My doctor

74) Peaceful and happy nights with good food and quiet comforts

75) The smell of fresh cut grass, and my persistent portulaca

76) My husband's little brother

77) I don't know that I've said this before here, but it seems so obvious: my Bubby

78) My fourth wedding anniversary

79) Every breath I take

80) A good ink pen

81) New life, in all its forms

82) Lessons learned
83) My fickle mind

84) Success
85) The beach

86) My coworker, Emily

87) The smell of rosemary on my hands

88) Art gracing my walls

89) Snuggling with Bub on the couch

90) The internet

91) Black beans

92) Football season

93) Shoes

94) Perspective

95) Onion rings, and in correlation, discovering new favorite foods

96) New technology

97) Even greater financial stability

98) A short doctor's visit

99) The new prescription for my migraines

100) Kindness of strangers

101) Sushi

102) The Fall

103) Pepto Bismol-- enough said

104) Cardigans

105) Hand sanitizer

106) Halloween

107) Diet root beer

108) The Golden Girls

109) My husband, who cooks my dinner on difficult days

110) Feeling better after being sick
111) A good friend visiting

112) New direction at work

113) A full belly, being finally in front of the tv in my pajamas with my husband on one side and my dog on the other

114) My vet
115) Vacations
116) Living in a country where we take a day to count our blessings
117) Sweet potato casserole

118) Stability
119) Fall colors
120) A good night with my husband's sister, her husband, and my husband's little brother

121) My charitable company

122) Cold weather

123) The freedom to make the choice to be childless

124) Christmas shopping done on time
125) My massage therapist
126) Christmas carols

127) Family, regardless of disputes

128) The sun and the moon, the wind and rain, the sky above me and the earth below, the trees, the flowers, the birds and bees, and everything else that makes this world a beautiful place in which to live
129) My husband. I've said it before and I'll say it again. He's the love of my life and I'm grateful for every day that I get to spend with him

130) Life. I don't really know how else to put it. There are some good days and bad days, but overall I'm thankful to just be here, experiencing everything that I'm blessed to experience.

Whew. I could have weeded some out, but why? I am grateful for every one of those things and much more. Those last three really say it all.

I hope everyone is safe tonight and has a wonderful time celebrating the coming new year. I've never been one to put much stock in changes like this-- January 1, 2010 will feel the same to me as December 31, 2009. I won't wake up smarter or happier or skinnier or wiser just because the date on the calendar changed. The only way to improve a life is to strive for positivity, for love, and for oneness with the world and those around us. If we hold onto negativity and hate, a changing date won't change our world and it won't change us. We have to change ourselves.

I feel that this grateful journal I've kept has made me much more aware of the blessings in my life and therefore much happier and fulfilled, even though in reality I have the same things and do the same things I was doing this time last year. People notice I'm happier too. My hope is that we all can find a way to push towards this goal of internal fulfillment and influence the ones we love to do the same. A resolution to stick to, maybe?

in pictures

The last few days, summarized in a few pictures:

the presents our company was able to donate to Angel Tree girls

me, at the Tacky party...

too bad you can't see my holly socks in these photos

My in-law's beautiful tree and all our presents to each other

We ate too much!

and played lots of games (my team won this one)

And it snowed...

and snowed, and snowed, and snowed.... 

But we made it home safe and sound...

...and the kids were happy to greet us.

Grateful Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas Eve! I'm on the road right now, making our winding way north many hours to my mother-in-law's house. It's supposed to be raining right now too, so wish us luck, but those rain drops should change to flurries by tomorrow morning. Obviously I've pre-written this post, scheduled for this Christmas Eve morning, as I'm too busy counting hawks perched on lonely fence posts somewhere in the Arkansas/Missouri delta to write this (not to mention reading or writing in the car, or anything other than sleep that takes my eyes off the road, will make me puke).

This will be my last post until Monday at least. I have my laptop with me, but I don't plan on opening it except in work-related emergencies, and while I can read all your lovely comments from my phone's browser, I do not plan on tip-tapping out a whole post on that tiny virtual keyboard.

So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Holly Jolly Holidays, Joyous Festivus, or Happy Whatever it is that you celebrate or don't celebrate (just have a good day), and I will return next week a few pounds heavier and much more well-rested.

1) Good friends. This week I've been able to celebrate with my coworkers, who I count as friends, my other friends at our tacky party, and still more friends at a different party. My coworkers are all fantastic people who care about their work and this company, and it's a pleasure to work with them. The office party was a riot, especially the White Elephant exchange. My "tacky" friends, the ones we've made over the last few years at the baseball games we attend in the spring, are a mix of intelligent and silly, boisterous and reserved, thoughtful and wild. I think it's this mix that makes us such a close knit group. We all have our spots to fill, and no one else would fit. And our old friends, the ones we've held close since early days of college-- even though they're having kids and moving into a stage of life my husband and I are not ready to experience, getting together with them is like reversing the clock, and there's nothing like spending time with someone who knows you so well and yet still loves you.

2) Family. Regardless of the argument with my little brother, I am thankful for all the experiences I've had with my family. My older brother seems to be getting himself together, fingers crossed. My parents are happier than they've been in a while with more freedom to travel when and where they want. My husband's family gets along so well, and I fit right in. I've only once or twice had a "mother-in-law" moment where I worried she and I were going to butt heads, but in the end we've found we have more in common than not. His brother and sister have become my brother and sister. I can't imagine being more grateful than I am for such a large, diverse, and loving family.

3) Peace and joy. Despite how busy I've been jumping from party to party, this week has left me feeling so far very peaceful and loved. I have so many people in my life who love me and who I love, and I fully recognize how lucky and blessed I am for that. I enjoy my job and my coworkers, my home life is everything I want it to be, I have great friends, I'm financially secure, my health and the health of those I love is good... what else do I need? What else could I ask for? Nothing.

All I want for Christmas is for everyone else to feel as blessed and complete as I feel.