some days

There are some days that I just want to physically assault people.

I am so fed up. I feel like my soul is boiling in my chest, that if I open my clenched jaw an ear-piercing scream will emerge, my hands so tight in fists I nearly puncture palms with fingernails. I can't abide ineptitude, incompetence, and I have absolutely no patience for backhanded, sweetly-veiled threats. Absolutely none. Say it or don't, but tell the truth, and don't expect to hear from me anything but the truth in return.

A coworker, Emily actually, someone who up until recently I counted as a friend as well, has been driving me up the wall. I'm at the point that I just can't take it anymore. The fighting between her and our boss (her close friend) got to a point where they finally exploded and now they don't talk unless it's purely for business. It's actually worked better for the most part, for all of us, but she's decided for some reason that she'll fight with me instead. Every favor I ask of her is met with some sort of remark, every challenge I present her in a discussion is met with harsh disdain. I don't know if it's jealousy or fear at how quickly we're growing or just stress, but I'm so tired of it that I catch myself snapping back at her for no good reason. Mostly I just ignore her comments and only talk to her about work-related things, and 80% of the time we're ok. It's the other 20%, though, that's going to do me in.

Today, she asked me if I thought she could get a raise. She framed it with "I know we're struggling financially right now, but I really need a better car [hers is nearly dead], and I can't afford it on what I'm making now." Our company has been in the red the last few months as we struggle to finish up some projects. We're a small company, a start-up, and we rely very heavily on each other. She was the second of the twenty employees we have, and she carries a lot of responsibility no one else could pick up right now. She knows all that very well. Not to mention that I'm not sure she's earned the raise either. She works hard, sure, and does a lot of work, but she makes sure that we all know exactly how hard she's working, and she's threatened three times in the last six months to quit. She's cut back on her hours and has asked to leave the leadership team as well.

When I told her I didn't think raises would be possible til December, she said she was going to be looking for a weekend job, but that she's also going to be polishing up her resume to send out, "just to see what's out there." Oh, and "please don't say anything to anyone."

Maybe I'm just taking it the wrong way. Maybe it's the day I'm having. But what that looked like to me was "Give me a raise, please. Oh, you can't? Well, why don't I just see who will," without any understanding of the fact that we all, all twenty of us, are working our fingers to the bone towards a common purpose, a common aim, and that none of the rest of us are so self-important as to think that we could just give up on that purpose and walk away from this. I can't imagine quitting. I would feel tremendous guilt for those I had left behind to pick up my pieces. I care about the people here and about our work, but apparently having a newer car is more important to her than that. I'm busting my balls here, struggling, pushing pieces of my personal life to the side, so that one day I can say that I helped my friend, my boss, create an amazing company that does amazing work, and sit by his side around a large Board of Directors table, a Chief in front of my title, and look back on the meager beginnings we had. But apparently she'd rather have an SUV than see the rest of us and herself succeed here. Apparently she doesn't care as much as I thought she did. And I don't know what to do with that, other than to clench my jaw,  swallow it down, and get on with my work.