saying what I need to say

The universe answers our questions before they can even be asked sometimes. I'm in a sticky situation, relating to what I had posted about previously with my brother-in-law (read both here on March 29th and here on April 1st). Janna over at Something She Wrote reminded me of what I already know but what I needed to hear again this morning: just say what you need to say. The problem is I don't really know what I need to say. I know what I feel, but how to translate that into words?

So we finally got to see my brother-in-law last night. I'm pretty sure he was avoiding us, at least in part, because of the change that's occurred in him, but life just gets busy sometimes too. Unfortunately, husband was about 4 beers in (we were at a crawfish boil at a friend's house), so he was raring to go, to tell the whole truth. It started innocent enough, with some teasing about the new girlfriend in his life, but when we found out she wants to be a missionary for a living, it went south pretty quickly. The night ended with him sending about three pretty rude texts to his little brother. I haven't read them, but I believe they were along the lines of telling him that he's a dumbass for letting other people dictate his beliefs.

Again, I'd like to state, to anyone out there reading this who is a Christian, I have respect for your beliefs. This isn't about Christian vs. non, because little brother had always gone to church. This is about the deep-end he seems to have gotten himself into, this preachy, pushy, sect of Baptists, who risk life and limb to go to war torn countries to host Bible studies. There is real good done by missionaries all over the world, but these people aren't building schools or giving medical relief. They're preaching and "saving."

My husband is a super-rationalist. If he can't see it in black and white, or if he can't research it and find a fact verified in a couple different history books, or if he can't hear from a scientist (or two or three) exactly why something is the way it is, he's probably not going to believe it. Religion, organized religion that is-- there isn't even a question for him. He knows that organized religion is false. On spirituality, the questions of "Is there a God" and "Do we have a soul," he's more open to negotiation, which is why most Christians and other religious folks he doesn't have a huge problem with. But the purists and the ones who force their beliefs down other peoples' throats, they don't stand a chance with him.

I simply don't care. I don't care what Walt is, what he believes, as long as he's safe and happy and moving forward with his life. I don't agree with his religious beliefs either, but what difference does it make? As long as he's the same person.

Last night, laying in bed, husband kept saying "I give up" and "I just won't talk to him anymore until he changes his mind." This tore open the scar on my heart that was just starting to heal from when I kicked my own little brother out of my house. I don't talk to my brothers, and I think about that fact every day. Every day I wish that there was a way I could make my good-for-nothing drug-addicted brothers see what their lifestyle choices have done to my family, some way I could make them care about it again. But I can't. For my own sanity, I cut ties almost completely. But husband doesn't want to cut ties because of an issue like this; he's doing it to teach some kind of lesson, to prove some kind of point.

He's so damned stubborn. He thinks he's right, and that's all there is to it. I don't know how to get him to see my side, to see it from any other side but his own. He's making a mistake, I just know it. I told him over and over last night that we need to remain a positive presence in his life, that if we don't he'll fall further and further in with these people, and if we abandon him now, even if he does make it out on his own, he'll resent us. But husband is so determined that he's a "lost soul" now, that there's no point in even trying, so why not just write him off. He's only 21 years old. And he's the only brother I have now-- that's what hurts me the most. I don't want to lose another brother.

This isn't about me, though. This is about my husband coming to terms with the fact that not everyone agrees with what he thinks is right, that not everyone he loves will believe what he believes, but that doesn't make them bad people. He said last night he knows he can't control his parents' beliefs or his friends', but with his brother, who is 11 years younger, he thought he had some kind of chance to exert some sort of power to lead, guide, teach, but now that power is gone. His brother has grown up without taking into account the guidance he received from my husband, who wanted him to just think for himself, and it hurts him. Disappoints him. And scares him because these people are so far out of our comfort zone. He doesn't see how thinking for himself led him to the conclusion that this sect is right because they're so far outside of anything rational.

I really don't know what to do. I'm completely at a loss, which is odd for me. I'm disquieted, internally, and I feel this great need to solve this problem right away. Deb's post today at Catbird Scout helped me to put some of that into perspective, that maybe the disquiet is necessary, but it's maddening. I know there's some kind of lesson in it for me, but I want husband to get his lesson too. Last night I came to the realization that getting mad at my husband for his outburst wouldn't help. In fact, after I apologized for getting mad and tried to help him sort through his feelings, I could tell that having me to talk to was helping him already-- he went from mad to contemplative (and sad) as well. So I'm grateful to have had that inspiration, where ever it came from. But I need more, I need to know whether I should even be involved, whether I should try to contact and talk to Walt on my own, or what I can say to my husband to make him stop and consider other views. I feel lost right now, and upset, and frustrated by being lost and upset.