wanting and needing

My job is in jeopardy. Not really. I mean yes, really, it is, but it's not as bad as I make it out to be sometimes. This is life at a start-up, especially in a fickle industry like consulting and software. Life is dependent upon the opinions our customers hold of us, and lately opinions have taken a nose-dive. We released a new product too early, we got a little ahead of ourselves, and our reputation is suffering. I woke up to another email from a company wanting a refund-- we get probably 2 a week, which isn't that bad, but it points to a much larger problem lying just under the surface. I freaked out at first, but then I got a really nice email from a customer raving about something we added to the software that made her life easier, and about how open we are to suggestions and how wonderful that is, and I was perked right back up. Why doesn't everyone see it that way? It would make my life easier.

I was thinking on the way to work that I should start putting away, like a squirrel, half my paycheck every month and that we should start to live on beanies and weenies for a while. We've already got 6 months of expenses saved up as an emergency fund, and continue to put a little more in it every month, but it would be nice if it was more like 12 months with the way the economy is right now. I really don't want to go back to an $8 an hour job, but I suppose that would be better than sitting on my butt at home feeling completely sorry for myself.

I don't even want to think about it. That whole scenario is my worst nightmare. I hate being unemployed, unused, unloved.

But why suffer now just because of a small possibility my company will go under in the next several months? We've somehow made it so far, made it through far worse situations than this. Plus shopping makes me forget.

Target has ads out now showing dresses and purses and home accessories in prints from Liberty of London. Liberty was one of my favorite places when we lived there-- the fabric section alone could entertain me for hours, even though I don't sew. And the furniture? Heaven. My mom is coming to town this weekend, and I've already talked her into making the hour trek with me on Saturday morning to the nearest Target. Even though the Liberty stuff isn't out until the 14th. I can go back again on the 17th with Emily. Yes...

It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend, 60 and sunny, and there's just something about this weather that makes me want to shop, that reminds me that nothing I had last year I liked, and encourages me to restock my wardrobe with bright, happy colors. So despite the fact that I may actually need to be saving, all I want to do is spend spend spend.

At least Target is cheap, right?