high standards

Sometimes I think I'm a bitch. Or maybe it's that I know, all the time, that I'm a bitch, but sometimes I'm just not ok with it. 

I hold people to high standards. They're no higher than to what I hold myself, but I'm not everyone else. See, even that sounds bitchy. 

I think I'm better than a lot of other people. No, I take that back-- I think I'm smarter than a lot of other people. Because I am. It's the truth, it's not bragging, but it sounds like bragging, which is why I think I'm a bitch. I'm good at my job, they couldn't live without me here, and they know it. That doesn't give me an excuse to run around acting like the mistake police though. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone misses an email now and then. (I just don't miss the huge ones, the ones that could make or break you, but that's just me....)

I don't know how to stop myself. I don't know how to not get frustrated with a coworker who so very obviously is in over his head but won't admit to mistakes. He thinks he's better than me, why, because he's paid more? Or because he's a man? Yeah, I get that feeling from him sometimes. Maybe that's why I get so angry with him, because I can't stand for someone to make me feel small just because I'm a woman.

I'm struggling with this today, struggling with understanding my reactions to problems, how I jump to tattling and reprimanding than trying to relate. But it's so simple... if I handle 400 emails a day and only miss maybe one a week, how can I feel sympathy for someone who sees 25-30 a day and misses the most important one? Who continually asks questions that have been answered in previous emails if only he'd scroll down? Whose reaction to my following up on it is "It's not my fault, I didn't know anything about it" rather than searching for the email, seeing it and saying, "I'm sorry, I'll take care of it right away."

I'm sure this is boring to you all. I have to have a conversation with my boss about this employee at some point today, and I'm torn between bashing and smoothing it over. In the end, he was nice about it and did take care of it, I just don't appreciate the initial attitude. I don't know that there's anything that can be done about it. I obviously cannot change my bitchy ways, so I don't know why I'd expect him to change his defensive ones. And I suppose the way I approach him has something to do with his reaction as well, although I really tried to just "follow up" this morning rather than "interrogate." I tried. 

I do wish I could be a fly on the wall for a day, live outside myself and watch myself react to things, in the way other people see me. I wish we could all do that. I think it would make us all better people. From the inside out today, I look like a snobby perfectionist, wanting the world to be as good as I think I am, and I'm making myself a little sick. 

imminent changes

The sky is gaining color to the west, a light blue blanket dipped in a bucket, the water creeping up, slowly but surely turning it darker and thicker and heavier. There's a rumbling out there too, becoming more frequent as the darkness inches closer. 

I woke up at 5 a.m. to the same rumbling along with flashes of light and the thumping of my cannas against my bedroom window. The wind was wild, blowing leaves and debris all over the yard. It's been a while since I've actually seen the rain-- it swoops in over night, leaving behind the wet grass and puddles on the deck, but dispersing before the sun shines enough for me to see it fall. According to the weather channel (like I couldn't just look at the sky and listen to it to know this), in about an hour I will see it again.

I'm frustrated this morning. The rumbling outside is nothing compared to the rumbling inside me. It's Monday, which is bad enough, but I feel uneasy and restless today, and I can't put my finger on the cause. Something's off. Something's coming. 

other people's problems

I never create problems for myself. I'm not one of those self-destructive types. I'm not even the kind of person that lies to themselves. I'm frank and open with myself the same way I am with others. Little white lies, I suppose, like "one more scoop of ice cream won't make any difference in the size of my hips" or "sure, my hair looks fine today" but nothing big, nothing that would create any conflicts for anyone else.

Other people create my problems. Or, scratch that, I should say, other people make their problems my problems. Is it my fault that the IT manager "counted on" having his paycheck this weekend when he knows for a fact I don't give out checks til 4 on Friday? We give out checks at 4 to keep people from leaving work to deposit them, which is exactly what he wanted to do. So after I told him no, he emailed the boss, who then called me to ask about it. Meanwhile the IT guy is walking out the door, looking all downtrodden and angry, saying he's "going to work from home for a while." Well how nice for him. Me, I'll be here, working, at the office, instead of at home on my couch with my dog. No vacations had since December, while he's recently had two weeks off. So the boss is not happy now, I'm not happy now, and he's certainly not happy, and will be even less happy after the boss gets done with him for making the two of us unhappy.

I, in turn, yelled at my husband when he called, thus making my problem his problem. Oh, it was just bad timing-- the IT guy had just stormed out, my boss had just hung up, and I got a sales call that I had to take, all at the moment my cell rang. And rang again. So I put the sales call on hold, picked up my husband's second call with a prompt and bitchy "Yes?" to which he sullenly replied, "I was just calling to see if you wanted lunch." I hurriedly apologized and hung up, but he won't pick up the phone now that I've calmed down and am trying to call him back. I suppose I'll be making brownies or something tonight as a olive branch.

And now one of the trainers has just asked me why he can't have his check until 4. What is this, mutiny day? At least he was just curious about it. Probably because he heard the bitching earlier.

I'm so glad it's Friday. I wish I had a five day weekend to recover from this five day hell week.

Grateful Thursday

1) My ENT appointment today was enlightening. I know for a fact I do not have sinusitis. They did a CT of my sinuses to see if they were full, but there's hardly anything in there other than air. (Insert joke here.) So the doctor, fretting a bit as he thought he'd have an answer from the CT, said his next step would be to put me on a good three weeks of antihistamines to test if it's allergies I'm having. If I haven't improved, he's sending me onto a neurologist, but if I have, he'll send me to an allergy specialist. So let's hope it's just simple allergies...

2) The good relationship I have with my boss. I had a string of bad bosses after I moved back from London-- first the controlling interior designer who thought of me more as an idiotic furniture-lugging mule than a Masters-degree-holding woman with a good eye for color. I lasted a month before I headed for the hills. Then the slave-driving perfectionist veterinarian who would write me up for every single "mistake" like I was a 5th grader and let passive-aggressive comments slide through her lips with every breath. And she wondered why she couldn't find "a good receptionist." She has a continual ad in the classifieds. Then there was the last, the antiques mall owner, my favorite. She was just plain dumb, as was her husband. Sweet, but clueless, bumbling around the store humming to herself, no idea financially where her business was going, unaware that she was losing money, seeping out the way the hot air seeped underneath that front door in winter. I tried to buy the store from her, having seen her books and that she couldn't stay afloat for much longer but also seeing all the money-making possibilities. She considered but in the end took out a loan, which she then squandered on painting the ceiling I hear. Dumb. My current boss is a shrewd business man and complete sweetheart, and we chat like old buddies. He trusts me with important things, sees my worth, and is going to pay me handsomely eventually. But it's mostly the friendship and trust for which I'm thankful.

3) My husband was cooking when I got home last night-- pasta primavera with french bread and a sweet chardonnay. Later we had vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, took the dog for a stroll, and watched a fun movie on tv named Stardust. It was a peaceful and happy night.

4) The smell of fresh cut grass, and my persistent portulaca.

5) My husband's little brother. He's 11 years younger than my husband, about 6 younger than me. He lives here so we see him often, and he's such a kind, soft spoken, friendly guy. I'm glad to have him in my family and very grateful that he counts me as a part of his now too. And it makes me so happy to see him and my husband together, reminds me what sibling love should be like. Now I have it too, in him, and in my sister-in-law as well.

fish?

Just thought I'd share this random photo with you, something I saw on the way home yesterday.

And I also had a random thought: I've had several new people begin following my blog lately, and while I'm happy to have readers, speak up! I share my life with you, share a little bit with me. Even just a "hi" so I know you're a real person. I don't think I'd ever delete a follower, but I do find it a little weird that there are people who know so much about me and I know nothing about them....

Off to lunch. No fish from the back of a pick up though, rest assured.

little things

I'm focusing on the little things lately. Little things like a nice, relaxing weekend. Like string cheese. Like a air conditioning, blooming agapanthus, and Bub's wet nose on my arm. 

The big things are hard and take too much of my attention and worry. 

I woke up with a headache again this morning. It's so disheartening to open your eyes to a new day only to be knocked over the head with a mallet. But I took an imitrex, laid back down for an hour, and I'm fine. The other neurologist I was going to see doesn't take my insurance, so that was a bust. But after a conversation with my dad and with my regular doctor, I've decided I need to rule out the most basic, like a sinus infection (maybe viral or fungi as the antibiotics I took a month ago didn't help), so I'm going to a local ENT Thursday. He's cheap as he accepts my insurance, and I only have to miss an hour or so of work. Little things. 

My fireplace is finally done. I need to take a picture and upload it. It's beautiful, and I catch myself staring at it. My grandfather would be proud of the DIYer I've become. Little fixes like that can really make a place sparkle. Next on the list? I don't know, maybe new steps for the deck. It's so hot, that may be a fall project. Fall will be here before we know it.

We changed emails servers at work over the weekend, and let me tell you, that's been a bitch and a half. I think most of the kinks have been worked out-- now all I have to do is learn the new system. It's funny how something so small can have such a large impact on life going as normal. The SBA finally came through with our loan, which is so nice. It's a little one, but enough to get us over this little hump we've encountered.

I feel like a kid, sitting here slurping up strings of mozzarella, sipping a Dr. Pepper, counting down the minutes to the end of work, like watching the second hand on one of those large, simple, commercial black and white clocks all classrooms have, thinking perhaps I just saw it tick backwards. Looking forward to another little thing: dinner with my husband on our deck-- marinated grilled tilapia, fresh and simple asparagus, and baked brown rice. 

blood red

Today is my older brother's birthday. I suppose I should call him. I don't want to. I have nothing to say and am not good at small talk. He's 30. Mostly I want to tell him that he should officially start acting like an adult now, no more calling my parents for money, no more excuses. He called on my birthday-- I couldn't answer and he left a message. Maybe I'll have that good fortune. I'm a terrible sister and a terrible person. Why is it so odd to me that one should be required to maintain contact with a person one doesn't at all like? Blood. What good is it?

The back of my neck is sunburned, pink like a just-ripe strawberry. We went out on a boat yesterday, and although I thought I was completely slathered in SPF 55, I missed the spot between my tank top and halter-style swimsuit tie at the back of my neck, leaving me with a crescent-shaped burn, like a Cheshire smile above my shoulder blades. Luckily once we got to our beach and I took off my tank top, my husband lotioned my back and prevented the burn from getting any worse than it did. But seeing what thirty or forty-five minutes of sun on that unprotected bit of skin can do, I'm very thankful for sunscreen.

Happy 4th

Grateful Thursday

1) My parents made it safely back from their trip. Their flight was delayed only about thirty minutes, but we still didn't make it to bed until 1 am. I'm glad to have them back. I just had lunch with them.

2) That my husband and I are both employed. I was thinking about this earlier, about how even though my husband doesn't really like his job, he is so thankful to have one, and I like his attitude. 

3) A three-day weekend and two days off with my husband. I get tomorrow off (although I'll probably be working from home, but at least I'll be at home), and my husband has Saturday and Sunday off. It will be so nice to have an actual weekend with him. Tomorrow night we're cooking out with friends, and Saturday we're going to the lake to cook out, float on a pontoon boat, and drink some cold beer. Later, fireworks. I still can't believe half the year is gone, but at least I'll have a good weekend to mark it.

4) Our new staff meeting schedule. As of yet, we haven't been having any kind of regular pow-wows which has led to some pretty poor communication. So I'm hopeful that these new weekly meetings will improve that and grateful that everyone else is excited about the idea too.

5) A break in the heat. Last week it was 98 with heat indexes of over 105. From the minute I stepped outside in the morning to the minute I turned up the a/c and turned on the fan at night, I was hot, sweltering hot. We had 11 straight days of temperatures like that. Usually it doesn't get that bad until late July and August. But the heat broke Monday and now we're back to a normal 87-93 range. Doesn't sound like much but it makes a huge difference. 

alive in dreams

Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams? ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

A random place and time just popped into my head, like my mind's eye was transported back in time while the rest of me stayed put in this leather desk chair, but just for a bittersweet moment. I was suddenly in the blue bedroom of my maternal grandparents' house, spending the night, one summer night, at least 15 years ago.

This happens occasionally. A smell, the look of an object, a word clucked, or the turn of a phrase, and my mind goes on a scavenger hunt, looking for clues to its familiarity. All the sudden I'll see a time and place long gone, usually somewhere I haven't thought of in a long, long time, or at least haven't thought of in that particular light. It's disarming and yet comforting.

Why that night this time? What's so special about that random night that it's been locked somewhere deep in my head until now? Something just happened (who knows what) that pulled it out of me. I remember the green light of that room at night, how it flooded through the lace-curtained windows from the street light outside, bounced off the tin-type photographs and cross-stitched pictures in their wooden frames, accentuated the curves of the carved Victorian furniture, and gave the room an eerie glow. I remember my grandfather softly snoring in the next room, me awake, uncomfortable in a bed not my own, and too excited about staying with them to sleep. I even remember being smaller, what it felt like to stretch out and not cover even half the length of the bed, what it was to have little hands and fingers and feet and toes.

I'm grateful for these moments, grateful that they're still a part of me. I suppose everything that I've ever experienced is locked up somewhere in here. Oh to be one of those people that never forgets! I would replay conversations with my grandfather over and over, listen to his voice, look at his face, and feel loved again as only he could love me. Why do I not capture these things while people are still alive? I knew he was dying, but I didn't force myself to ask the questions I wish I had asked, and I didn't make myself remember more.

The other night in a dream, I was swinging lazily on the swing set he built for me and my brothers in his backyard when I was a child, feeling a spring breeze, watching his enemies, the squirrels, chew on his walnuts, being at peace. I knew he was behind me on his large screen porch. Although I didn't see him, I knew. I want to return there every night, at least for a moment, in a dream. I visit lots of places, seemingly random-- our London flat, a childhood bedroom, a friend's backyard-- both in waking and sleeping dreams, but if I had a choice, I'd be there with him, before life became life.