follow up

There's a line that I've formed somewhere in some sand, a line that once crossed can not be uncrossed. I never know what will cause someone to trip over or even run past that line, but once it's done no one can undo it, make that feeling go away, not them and not even me, no matter how quickly they come back to my side and stay there. It's like a stain that won't fade, even with the strongest bleach.

You have to do something pretty drastic to be marked like this. For one girl, it was getting so drunk that I had to carry her around all night, she stole something from a bar, and then she yelled at me. For one guy, it was returning a dog he had adopted from the shelter because of an issue that would have been easily trained away. For my brother, it took years worth of mental abuse. For the latest additions, it was being so dumb as to fall into bed with a coworker when you know one of you is married, then gossip about it at work.

It's a loss of respect, I suppose. I hold people to a high standard, but it's nothing I don't ask of myself. Once it's lost, I tend to hold people at a distance, sometimes a larger distance than others, but I never fully let down my guard and open up again. It's been years since some of these transgressions, but I still feel it, that steeling of my heart when their name is mentioned or I see their face. I'm usually very normal and casual with them, though I'm sure they can sense my hesitancy, at least in part.

So what if lots of people cheat on their spouses. I expect more from the people that I allow into my life and my heart. If you make a promise, you keep it. If you know someone else has made a promise, you don't help them break it. If you love someone, you treat them with honesty and respect. Am I really asking too much of people?