I have a lot on my mind this morning. Here's a breakdown of my last 15 hours:
8 pm-- eating dinner with several girlfriends at one of their houses, the subject of religion comes up, and one of them looks directly at me, the girl who has suddenly gone quiet, and says, "So what are you?" As if that's an easy question to answer, like I can give one word (Presbyterian, Methodist, something) and have this question go away. But I'm truthful to myself and say the word that I then have to spend 10 minutes explaining while I get looks of disdain and confusion and replies of "well I figure it's better to believe than not believe, since I have a choice" (you're so not getting it, I think). Agnostic is my reply. Nothing, the meaning.
9:30 pm-- sitting on the couch after dinner, my inquisitor having already left to go take care of her babies and husband who can't be without her for longer than a couple hours, I check the weather on my phone and notice I have three emails, all voicemail-to-text emails from my coworker's wife to my boss (I get his emails too). She sounds... desperate. Something has happened. I call my boss, no answer, so I call his partner, who is crying. Dead. My coworker is dead. He was playing tennis, had a massive heart attack, and they couldn't revive him.
10 pm-- I'm finally together enough to have left my friend's house and call my husband, who is at a bar with his buddies. I meet him there. I can't bring myself to order a drink, because the only drink I can think of is my coworker's favorite, a salty dog, and I hate grapefruit juice. But to drink anything else seems wrong.
11 pm-- Finally in bed, I start sobbing. Why am I sobbing? Where did he go keeps playing in my mind, and I think about my grandfather and my aunt and the people I know and loved that are gone, but gone where? Husband rubs my back and comforts me, and I feel stupid because it's a loss for me but no great loss, and I'm mad at myself for thinking about the money the company is saving not having him (he was expensive) and how we didn't really need him anyway so this saves us the trouble of the phase-out we were about to do with him, and I fall asleep thinking about what a horrible person I am.
4 am-- A bad dream where I was at a funeral and people were whispering that the departed went to Hell, and I found myself believing it and being scared even though I don't believe in Hell, and I can't reconcile it all and wake up confused and very hot. I have been grinding my teeth, I can tell, and have a hard time moving my neck as I get up to get some water. Luckily it doesn't take too long to fall back to sleep.
6:50 am-- My alarms sounds and rips me from another uncomfortable dream. This time I'm at a doctor's office getting a vaccination, but for some reason the shot has to go in my lip, and it's bloody and gross, like a collagen injection gone wrong. Getting up and out of bed is even harder than it was at 4 am.
8:30 am-- Now at work, I stand in the hallway whispering with my boss, his partner, and our bookkeeper. Who knows? Who doesn't know yet? We need to make an announcement.
9 am-- Everyone is gathered now, my boss starts to weep, I cry, everyone cries. Again I feel like I'm crying over a bad dream, spilled milk. Nothing seems real. It's more like shock than grief. Who am I to grieve anyway, I think. I'm just a coworker, a coworker conspiring against him until his last minutes. "He was a nice guy, a caring guy," everyone says. He was, and I know I will miss our non-work conversations. Sniffles, and we go back to our desks, hearts heavy.
11 am-- The insurance agent has been called, our clients have been contacted, we've had a meeting about gathering up his projects. We're going to be ok, we all know it, but it's so quiet in here I can't stand it anymore. I make myself a massage appointment at 5:30 this afternoon. I make plans for Thai for dinner and Subway for lunch. Anything to take my mind off of it. Then I start this post because maybe, maybe if I get these thoughts out of my head I can have some peace. I'm not a terrible person. We all have crazy thoughts at crazy times. He was a funny, warm, engaging, and dedicated guy who will be missed severely by his friends and family and everyone here too. It's still not real, though, and I keep expecting my phone to ring for my daily check-in call. It probably won't be real til Monday when our extended management board gets together and he is glaringly absent.
12 noon-- Post done. I have to get out of here.
the mind is a complicated and wayward urchin. you cry because you feel the loss of your coworker, and you know his going has left very real sorrow in its wake, and you are not heartless or terrible, just human and sad. and i am sorry you are gong through this.
ReplyDeleteIn a world that is confusing enough you were hit with a double whammy-a questioning of your beliefs and then a practical application of those beliefs. That's tough enough without beating yourself up over your meandering thoughts. Honestly, no matter what the situation, it's human nature to first question, 'How does this affect me?' There's nothing wrong with doing that. The fact is, you're sad, you're compassionate about the loss others feel, and his absence will affect you directly at work.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can get a little rest tonight; it'll help.
I find myself having those same kinds of thoughts when someone I know but am not close to dies. Shoot, I tend to have inappropriate thoughts almost all the time - I'm a believer, but VERY irreverent. I have learned to keep my mouth shut - it's less painful for everyone else.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I don't believe in hell either.
Shock. It is always shocking when someone you know dies suddenly. We had a man staying here a couple of years ago. A woman claiming to be his mother paid his bill and talked briefly with me when he checked in to stay for a month. Two weeks later he shot and killed her. I felt incredibly sad for her, but to be honest I was more concerned about the impact it would have on my business. Then I felt horrible for that thought.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get a good night's sleep. I am sorry for your loss. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Oh dear. I hope you are well. I lost a co-worker on Jan 2. It is not easy, like you said, a complex web of feelings and you want to blame yourself sometimes. I tried to just rest and know that he is in a good place.
ReplyDeleteOh honey -- I imagine it's a surreal feeling to lose someone so suddenly. My thoughts are with you, his partner and those who cared about him.
ReplyDelete