I've been down a lot lately. I go through cycles like this. Clinical depression runs in my family (just ask my dad) and while I've never been diagnosed as having such, I do go through bouts of feeling low for no real reason.
Work has been stressing me out. I can't hardly think about it without getting anxious. We're not making payroll anymore-- my boss has had his parents send us cash the last couple months. The 15th will be here shortly, and the account is negative right now. I'm not worried so much about me. I'm resilient, I'll find another job, and I'll be fine. But I'm worried about these people that I've hired that put their lives in our hands. My heart is fluttering just thinking about it. We're not to that point yet. If we can make this final push, make it through the next month or so, we have a new product with a ready buyer that will take us well out of the red. We just have to get there.
I feel like I've been saying that for months. If we can just make it to May. If we can just make it through the summer. Now, if we can just make it to Thanksgiving. Will we ever just be ok?
I've also been thinking a lot about myself and the way my brain works. I don't remember things the way I should, like childhood memories. I don't remember my grandmother. It's like somehow all the good memories I should have of her and her personality and the way she loved me are all wiped clean and all I'm left with is this shell of a woman who hardly knows my name. Where did the memories go?? It makes me feel crazy. I feel like I'm living someone else's life half the time, like I'm going to wake up and be someone else. I read somewhere that that's a condition of being an INFJ (my Myers-Briggs personality type) under stress.
Obviously I don't deal with stress very well. So I want to see a counselor. My husband was surprisingly supportive of it despite being a very logical left-brained no-nonsense sort of fellow. He acknowledged that he's not the best person to talk to about emotional matters (no kidding) and that he's been worried about me too because I'm tired a lot lately.
I googled psychologists in my area and didn't come up with much. I have a couple coworkers who see people, and my plan was to avoid them because I didn't want a conflict of interest or a coworker to learn that I was seeing someone too, but with so few in town, I had to call them.
I've got calls into 5 different docs right now, waiting for a call-back to get some questions answered. I did speak to one, but she was so sugary-sweet, I felt like she'd coddle and mommy me, plus her southern accent was so strong "yes" had about three syllables. I make fun of my husband being no-nonsense, but I am too, and I don't want to be babied. I'm an adult, tell me what I'm doing wrong and I'll fix it, but don't sweet talk me. So she was a no-go.
Picking a therapist is hard. Pick the wrong one and you could end up getting a lecture about how "God sure would help" or watching a doctor doodle and twiddle their thumbs while you're spilling your guts and getting nowhere. I also need one that will see me either before or after work.
I wish I was just normal. What is normal though, really?
Oh boy, I feel your angst here and my heart goes out to you, having gone through so much emotional and financial turmoil myself. I think being real a big step in itself so its good to se your thoughts here. You can tell you both want to do the right thing, so keep looking and something will work out in the end. As I have found, life can only come so undone but there remains a wonderful residue anyway as life itself is miraculous and wonderful. Good luck with everything.
ReplyDeleteScarlet, it's good to try to fathom what you feel and talking to someone can be so relieving. Sometimes there is no real explanation, i know. But therapy is good. I feel like a therapist saved my life when I was in my late 20s. Don't worry too much about choosing the right person over the phone. You might have to visit one or two or even three to get a sense of who feels right to you. You are a creative soul, so of course your brain chemistry dips and turns and swoops all the time, but it also makes you sensitive and perceptive and gifted and an amazing writer. I am sorry about the work thing, but all you can do is your best, which you're doing. Hang in there. And keep writing. Sometimes it helps.
ReplyDeleteSounds pretty normal to me Scarlet. I can't count the times I've felt like your description, including right now, and I know if I lose this job the chances of someone my age getting another are pretty slim. You're under enormous stress and all the symptoms you describe are caused by it. You don't need a shrink, you need a martini. Anybody would be freaking out in your situation.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you find a way out of this somehow. Picking a therapist is difficult, but maybe try a few until you find one you feel comfortable with and a style of therapy that suits you - maybe a CBT based one?. The job situation is not good, but try not to take on the problems of others too. Take care.
ReplyDeleteGood luck girl.. While everyone's experiences are different, I know a lot of those feelings that you are dealing with. Especially the financial stress, although mine is not job related. I hope you are able to find a therapist that is a good match for you.
ReplyDeleteLife is a four-letter word. Sometimes we have to make decisions that are best for us. In your case, it sounds as if the best decision for you is to find another job. All a therapist can do for you is to help you make the decision to change the lifestyle that is causing you stress and angst.
ReplyDeleteMy mother used to use a gardening expression, "Cut away the dead wood..." Think about the dead wood in your life, and cut it away. I think part of the dead wood in your life is your job.