Please read this post from this past December.
I did not speak to my little brother for nearly 5 months. He sent me a facebook message not long after this incident, saying that all he wanted to do was prove to me that he was a grown man. My reply was short, indicating that I would only pursue further communication with him when he could actually prove that to me. It's been silent since then, not a call or text or even facebook poke.
I've been fine. Sure, there's a deep hurt there. If you look for it, you'll see the pain wash over my eyes when he's brought up in conversation, but just as quickly it's gone. I've let it go. I've known for a long time that I can't save him or make him grow up or calm down. The only thing I can control is me and my reaction to him, and I've chosen to make my reactions calm and reasonable if and when he does contact me. But I'm not perfect, and I do have a breaking point, as our last encounter in December proved, so I don't initiate. I don't want to. To do so only invites his all-encompassing drama into my life. If he can call me and speak to me like a normal person, I will talk back, but until he proves to me that he's changed, why should I trust him? Why should I go out of my way? I don't care that he's blood. Toxic is toxic.
He called me on my birthday. I wasn't surprised, and it wasn't a terribly strained conversation. He asked me how I was, I told him, and I asked him how he was. He spent the next three minutes talking about himself, his band, his weekend. I (very politely) told him it was nice talking to him, but I had to go as we were walking into the restaurant for dinner. Late that night he texted me saying he wished we talked more. I didn't text back. Because I don't share the feeling.
Today, 6 days later, he posted this message on my facebook wall:
i love our long loving conversations and how we try and return each others calls and text messages. it makes me so happy that we can be so close... and yet so far away. your loving little brother.
I will not be undone by this.
I haven't decided whether or not I will respond, much less what I would say if I did. My initial reaction was to delete it and send him a message calling him a jackass. Then I thought I would compose a thoughtful response full of sisterly advice. But now I think I'll just ignore him. It's easier.
Because it's easier, I worry that I'm taking the easy way out. That I should try, keep trying, keep pushing for him to change. I'm so tired. I've physically and mentally had enough-- my father has depression, my older brother has depression, and my little brother must be manic depressive. I've fought this my whole 28 years on earth, and I don't believe he's worth saving anymore. That's what's so upsetting about this-- I feel myself giving up. And I don't even have enough strength to care that I'm giving up.
I think there is a difference between giving up and realising that it's not up to you to try and 'fix' him. Working out whether the toll to you is worth the effort required to maintain contact. If the relationship consists of you constantly giving and receiving little in return, sometimes you have to give yourself permission to put yourself first.
ReplyDeleteComing from a family that takes dysfunctional to all new levels, I realised a few years ago that I could no longer be the official 'hand holder' in our family. I have parented my parents and my siblings since I was a little kid, I became the adult at 10. I decided I simply couldn't do it anymore and frankly it was freeing.
There is no way to placate a depressive. The only thing that happens is they drag you down with them. In my case, I'm cordial but have learned never to let the camel's nose into the tent.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I wonder if I should have tried harder to be a part of my son's life. I couldn't handle the drama and the drugs and eventually gave up. I honestly don't know that I could have altered the outcome. When we are adults we can choose our own lifestyle. If those lifestyles aren't compatible with those of our siblings adjustments must be made on both sides. Seems like little brother doesn't want to make any concessions. Don't feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteI think you must feel peace, yourself, with your decision.
ReplyDeleteMy mom and I have an interesting relationship. In the past, I have always been the one to forgive and suggest moving forward. I have realized that all this is does is give her the opening to hurt me, again. My sisters do not understand our relationship and I have tried to keep them out of it. It isn't fair to them to get them involved.
I decided a year and a half ago, that I am okay with where things stand. My mom owes me an apology and until she does that, we are in this space. I love her. But, I love myself, too; and, I enjoy not having this crap, manipulative bullshit, to deal with because of her whims.
Do not feel guilty. Make peace with what you want. Of course, you love your brother. I get that. But, it doesn't have to be so hard to have a relationship with him, you know?
I think not responding to his message is probably the best decision. Anything you could possibly say would only spur more drama from him. Don't get me wrong, I think family is vitally important and I can't imagine life without one of my brothers, but at the same time you have to be able to live your life peacefully.
ReplyDeleteI hope that with time he'll grow up and realize that it's time for him to be a man. And when that happens, I hope y'all can mend your relationship and be friends.