time to get going

I'm tired of being me. I don't hate myself and I'm not talking suicide here. I just mean I need a vacation from being myself. I'm tired of carrying around the same baggage, the same issues, ideas, stress, problems, quirks. I want to be someone else for a while. Even if their life is less happy than mine, I would find it refreshing. I'm dull and used and repetitive. 

I have another headache this morning. A dull ache running up the right side of my nose, looping around my eyebrow back down into my eye socket. I noticed on the drive in to work, and again right now, the pain makes me lean my head to the right a little, like the weight of it is pushing me down. There's a headache clinic about an hour from here. Or there's a neurologist here in my town. Might be time I saw a real doctor and not just a GP.

We were bored last night (what else is new) having run out of books and tv and finding our jigsaw puzzle a little too puzzling. We went into town to rent a movie. On the way back home, on the highway we passed a small yellow dog eating something and then shortly after a shepherd mix, obviously his buddy. People let their dogs roam too often on that busy two-lane high-speed road. Hardly a week passes where there's not some poor animal squished and pushed to the side. This morning it was a little yellow dog, not three feet from where we passed him. I swallowed sobs all the way to work. I used to be the kind of person that would stop and pick anything up-- could have been six dogs and I would have tried. I've become complacent, not wanting to upset my husband, not wanting to upset our life. I should have stopped.

I'm too hard on myself, I know. It's a really busy road, stopping in the dark would have been really dangerous. And it's been my experience that roving packs are wary of humans and will do anything, including running into traffic, to get away from one, even if they're just trying to help. But I wish I would've tried. I'd like to say I'll learn a lesson from this, but I won't. The truth is, picking them up makes me sad too, because I can't keep them. All I can do is turn them into the shelter and hope someone adopts them. 

My mom told me yesterday they're coming up to see me this weekend. They're tired of their town and need a break too. They want to get away from their phone for a bit too, I imagine. I still haven't talked to either of my brothers myself and I doubt I will for a long time. I'm too tired to care. Work has been so stressful lately, we're so broke waiting for this software to launch, yet for some reason my boss keeps talking about expanding, hiring more people. Working for a start-up like this carries its own special kind of worry, over whether or not it will last and if you'll still have a job next year. No worries about getting fired, just over my pay check not bouncing. 

I'm so tired of being me, tired of caring around all this recurring pain. It never goes away. I'm a pulsating ball of physical pain and mental torture this morning. I'm picturing myself on the beach at Destin, feeling the sun, listening to the waves and the children laugh, sipping on a fruity drink, closing my eyes and completely forgetting the rest of the world. I need about three days of that and nothing else. I need restoring, rebooting. I need to breathe, to stretch my limbs, to sigh heavily because I'm happy instead of just trying to calm myself down. I don't care about the money or the time lost, I just have to go.